I’m cheating on my husband and loving it. Is that a problem?

Dear BMW,

I am a cheater. I’ve never had a boyfriend or husband that I didn’t cheat on. Ndimagwetsa anthu ine ndi ma biggy omwe!

When I was younger, it would just be making out behind a boyfriend’s back anyhow sometimes patchire and never getting caught.

As I got older, I would sleep with men that were not my husband; mabwana, anyamata osewera mpira, ma messenger, ometa m’mbali etc.

I’ve been with my current husband for almost 14 years and we have three children. During all this time, I have been sleeping with my boss, guys at the gym and random men I fancy. I have slept with men I have met on Facebook.

Last year, I tried to slow down on my sex escapades but this year I have slipped back into my old ways.

I love my husband and am still very happy with him—but every time I try to focus on him an opportunity arises to sleep with an old friend or one of my workmates.

The strange thing is that I really don’t feel any guilt. And I don’t want to leave my husband. I’ve never been caught and I don’t think I ever will be.

Do you think I have a problem?

Namagwetsa, via WhatsApp, Zomba

Dearest Namagwetsa,

That man doesn’t love you. And he is not your husband.

Let me explain: a good husband keeps tabs on the wife, knows where she is, with whom and exactly what she is doing. When the wife comes home, he sniffs all over her like a puppy to ensure she is not reeking of another man’s cologne, beer or a cigarette smoke.

In fact, the best ones—like yours truly—go the extra mile and rummage through handbags and phones for incriminating evidence. A good husband will search the car for condoms or lubes and dirty knickers. Oh yes, cheating wives leave dirty knickers and condoms in the car! Remember, I have been married six times. I know these things.

A good husband will even call her friends to ensure she was actually with them if she claims she was “hanging out with her gals”.

In this era where married women get ‘stolen’ left, right and centre, a husband who does not hover protectively over his wife’s shadow either doesn’t care about the wife or is himself too busy with another beautiful woman who bore him cute kids.

Do I have a problem, you ask me. No, you do not have a problem because the way I see it, you do not have a husband. You are on your own, harlot.

Cheke cheke thwee, most women would kill to have your man of yours but here you are messing around with a good man.

Udzaona polekera!

Big Man Wamkulu

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