Love Life: My Parents Boycotted Our Wedding and Haven’t Met Our Kids

Love Life* is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between**.*

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Awwal* (39) and Beatrice* (32) met at an office Christmas party in December 2019. On this week’s Love Life, they talk about a plus-one he almost didn’t allow, a wedding where his parents never showed up, and raising two children without his side of the family.

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What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Awwal: The Christmas party at my office in December 2019. I was the HR lead, and I’d told the junior staff they couldn’t bring plus-ones. One of them begged me at the last minute. She said she wanted to bring a friend who had just moved to Lagos and would have been bored at home, and I grudgingly agreed. That friend was Beatrice. It was love at first sight for me as she walked into the event hall. For some reason, Beatrice still doubts that. She doesn’t believe there’s such a thing as love at first sight.

Beatrice: I do doubt it. That party was also my earliest memory of Awwal. My friend introduced him as the host, and I thanked him for letting me tag along, and that was about it. But I noticed he kept coming back to our table throughout the night. He’d be like, “Are you guys okay?” “Do you need anything?” I think I even teased my friend and asked if her company HR probably had a crush on her that she wasn’t aware of. Still, I appreciated the care.

Did you guys have any conversation beyond pleasantries?

Awwal: I didn’t say much to her that night. I just made sure her table never ran out of food or drinks. I also had a rule about plus-ones, so I couldn’t walk up to her and make it obvious I was looking at the girl I’d just let in. After the party, I asked her friend for her number.

Beatrice: My friend told me that weekend. She said Awwal had asked for my number, and she didn’t know why. She guessed he liked me. I actually teased her for a bit because I was convinced he actually liked her. But on second thought, I knew how awkward it would be for the HR lead to have an eye for a junior staff member. It ruled out the possibility that my friend was his target. I asked what kind of person Awwal was, and my friend only had nice things to say about him. She said he was somewhat strict, but that was expected because of his position in the company. So I told her to give him my number.

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Nice. What was your first conversation like?

Awwal: I think she started with, “Now I’m wondering why you didn’t ask for my number when you saw me in person.” I almost fell off my seat. It felt like a subtle attack, but I wasn’t offended even though I wanted to be. That was my first encounter with how sharp-mouthed Beatrice can be when she gets really comfortable around you.

Beatrice: I can be very playful, and I’m direct. I wasn’t going to pretend I hadn’t noticed him at the party. We ended up chatting for about two hours, then jumped on a call the same night. I can’t remember everything we talked about, but it was a mix of different things. Then, out of the blue, Awwal said he was looking to date and marry.

Awwal: I wanted to be direct and avoid any time wasting. I was already 33, and she was approaching her late 20s. I didn’t see the point in dilly-dallying.

Beatrice: I immediately told him I was in no rush. I hadn’t dated in about a year because I’d had my share of horrible experiences. I’d decided my next relationship had to lead to marriage, so I wasn’t going to waste time on anything else. Still, that didn’t mean I was willing to jump right in because a man had dangled marriage in my eyes. I still had to be sure.

Got it. So what happened next? Did you guys plan a date?

Beatrice: We agreed to meet that weekend. We went to Kunle Afolayan’s restaurant in Ikeja, and we watched a movie first. Then we spent the rest of the day together. It was a cute date. I remember being surprised that two hours had passed and I still had things to say.

Awwal: I was actually nervous. I had already told her I wanted to marry, and I worried I had scared her off with my directness. But she showed up in a good mood, laughed at my jokes and seemed genuinely present. It’s one thing to agree on a date; it’s another to be fully present in the moment and make the other person feel seen. I felt that way with Beatrice, and I knew from that first date that we belonged together.

Luckily, it was around the Christmas holiday period, so one date turned into many. We spent Christmas together, then Boxing Day, then New Year’s.

Beatrice: I think we just got along so well. We kept finding reasons to see each other. Plus, I didn’t feel like I had to pretend around him. I could say whatever I wanted and he wouldn’t take offence. He’d mentioned that other women he dated made him guess and do the mental gymnastics of figuring out what they wanted. I was the complete opposite.

Sounds like you guys got along pretty fast. When did things become official?

Awwal: At the end of January 2020. By then, we both knew where we were going. I’d already told her I wanted to marry her, but we knew we still had to go the boyfriend-and-girlfriend route. Left to me, I could have married her in January.

Beatrice: I remember telling my friend we were dating, and she said, ” Please, you guys have been dating since December.” And she was right. We only just made it official in January.

Sounds cute. What were the early days of the relationship like?

Beatrice: Sweet. It felt like an extended honeymoon phase. I hadn’t found a job in Lagos yet, and I was squatting with a friend. I didn’t want to overstay my welcome, so I spent a lot of time at Awwal’s place. I’d come over, cook, and watch TV all day. Some days I stayed late, and he drove me back to my friend’s place. I was happy, but I also felt a little worried about my joblessness. But Awwal always encouraged me to apply and stay optimistic.

Awwal: I loved having her around. I live alone, and it was nice to come home to someone. Coincidentally, the COVID lockdown hit, and I asked her to come stay with me. I’ll be honest, I just didn’t want to be lonely. But that visit changed everything. I think it solidified how we already felt about each other. In fact, if anyone had visited at that point, it would have been hard to convince them that we weren’t already married.

Beatrice: We cooked together, argued about what to eat, watched movies, and planned our days around each other. We behaved like a properly married couple. I had never lived with a partner before, and I enjoyed it more than I expected.

But did you notice anything about each other during that time?

Beatrice: Awwal doesn’t have many people around him. Throughout the lockdown, I never saw him pick up a call from a friend or relative. He didn’t call anybody either. He barely spoke about his family. I asked him a few times, and he waved me off. It didn’t seem like a big deal at the time, but it struck me as odd. My parents and siblings were just in Ogun state and they called every other week just to be sure I was fine. I’d get off those phone calls and wonder why no one is asking after this man.

Awwal: I did get a few calls, but she’s right. I don’t have the best relationship with my family, and I don’t like to talk about it. I mentioned it to her once, and I appreciated that she moved on. I also don’t keep a wide circle. My life revolves around my colleagues, work, and I come home. I never felt I was missing anything.

Beatrice: He also got on my nerves about my attitude. I’m carefree and playful, and Awwal thought it made me look unserious. I wanted to do things on my own terms, and I didn’t like feeling managed. We argued about that a few times. At one point, I felt he was pushing me to get a job because it was his subtle way of asking me to chip in on the household expenses.

Awwal: I wanted her to spend the lockdown upskilling. She didn’t have a job yet, and I thought she should use the time to prepare for opportunities after. I told her that, and we had a few clashes here and there, but nothing serious. I eventually accepted that I couldn’t get her to move at my own speed. What mattered at the end of the day was that she was moving.

Nice. You’ve both mentioned living like husband and wife during lockdown; when did marriage actually come up?

Awwal: I revisited the conversation about marriage immediately after the lockdown ended. She was getting ready to return to her friend’s place, and I just brought it up. We had spent months together and got along well. I didn’t see the point of waiting.

Beatrice: I still thought it was too fast. We had only been dating for a few months, but it felt like I still needed time. Men are funny. A part of me kept insisting that everything couldn’t go so smoothly and there had to be an obstacle somewhere. So I didn’t give him an answer until June. At that point, I felt like the coast was clear, and we had spent enough time together. Apart from his relationship with his family, nothing else seemed off.

Awwal: We had a small, intimate proposal at a restaurant on the island, and we had our introduction by July.

Neat. And how did that go, especially with Awwal’s family dynamics?

Beatrice: I expected to meet his family there, but only his aunt and a younger sibling showed up. Then he invited a few friends from work, including our mutual friend. I wouldn’t have minded, but my family did. They said something wasn’t right and refused to set a wedding date until Awwal brought his parents.

The introduction itself went well. People ate, danced, and my family welcomed Awwal. My father was just insistent on meeting the rest of his family.

Awwal: My aunt raised me like a mother, so she stood in for my parents, and I thought that would be enough. At the time, I hadn’t spoken to them in almost five years. I don’t want to go deep into the details. They’re my parents by name only. I’ve kept them at arm’s length for a reason.

When Beatrice’s family insisted, my aunt also said she agreed with them. She said it was better to inform them and let them decide whether they wanted to be part of it. So I decided to go to my parents’ house, tell them I was getting married, and ask for their blessing. I took Beatrice with me. I wanted her to see it for herself.

How did that visit go?

Awwal: It was one of the worst days of my life. My mum and dad barely acknowledged me. When I told them our wedding date, they said they had somewhere else to be that day and asked me to reschedule. I told them we couldn’t move the date, and then my dad and I got into an argument. It almost got physical that day. Then my mum also had all sorts to say about marrying someone from a different tribe. She wanted to know why I hadn’t informed them about Beatrice and why I proceeded with the introduction without them. I told her she had no right to dictate anything. She never played the role of a mother in my life. It was a whole messy situation.

Beatrice: I always assumed things were bad, but I couldn’t believe what I witnessed that day. We left in the foulest mood, and I cried in the car. Awwal didn’t say anything for a long time.

Awwal: I felt embarrassed that she saw it. I had told her my parents and I weren’t close, but telling someone and watching it happen are different. I also felt relieved. At least she knew the truth now.

I’m sorry. What happened after that? Did you guys proceed with the wedding?

Beatrice: I told my family to stop pressuring him. We kept the wedding plans, and we got married in November 2020.

Awwal: Neither of my parents came. They heard about the wedding, and they said terrible things about me. They told relatives they had disowned me. Worse, they started saying Beatrice was the one who influenced me. My aunt and my younger sibling stood with me, and so did Beatrice’s family. On the day itself, I looked around and felt grateful for the people in the room.

Beatrice: My family welcomed him fully after that. They saw that things were far more complicated than they’d imagined and stopped pushing. His family, on the other hand, had a lot to say. They didn’t even know that I was the one pushing him to make peace. We had our first child in 2021. I wanted to take the baby to see his parents. I thought they might soften when they met a grandchild. But Awwal refused.

Why?

Awwal: I don’t want my children exposed to the toxicity I grew up with. I’m building a healthy family with Beatrice. That’s what matters to me. We almost fought about my decision, but I’ve always made it clear that the family I’m building is what’s important to me. I don’t want her pushing me to force a relationship when it’s clear I’m not wanted.

Beatrice: I understand that. But I also worry about the long term, and my own parents have raised their concerns many times. However, we welcomed our second child in 2024. I informed his parents myself, and they didn’t show up. They haven’t seen any of their grandchildren. They don’t call, and they haven’t tried to visit. At this point, I’ve finally accepted that it’ll only take God’s intervention to settle things. But I still hope it gets better someday. I just wish they would try; it feels unfair that the kids haven’t met their grandparents.

Awwal: I’ve told Beatrice to stop worrying. I’ve accepted that I’m not so lucky with my parents, and I don’t let that bother me anymore. I’m focused on the family I’m building now and on how I can be a better father to my kids and a better husband to my wife.

Fair enough. What’s the best thing about being with each other?

Awwal: Beatrice is compassionate and caring. I never experienced that from my own parents. She makes me feel looked after, and I don’t take it for granted. When I come home after a bad day, she notices before I say anything. She also makes me laugh, which I need.

Beatrice: He’s family-oriented. It sounds strange to say that, because his own relationship with his parents and siblings is broken. But he puts the family we’re building above everything. He’s present for our children. He supports me in every way. He’s a dad who shows up. He takes the children out, he helps with homework, and he never makes me feel like I’m doing it alone.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Awwal: 9. We’ve gone through a lot, and we’ve held on to each other. That’s why I rate it so high.

Beatrice: 8.5. We’re happy, and we have two beautiful children. The half point is for the family situation I wish I could fix.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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