To date or not to date a friend’s ex?

So, this week, I interacted with one of the ardent readers of this page. She came to me with a situation that is bothering her.

With her consent, let me reproduce her initial text to me:

Hello Edith,

I am one of your ardent readers and would like to pick your brains on a situation I am currently facing. I am a fourth year student at one of the public universities in Malawi. In my circle, we are four girls and we have been close since year one. We have gone through a lot together and weathered so many storms. When we were in year two, one of my friends in my circle got herself a boyfriend. They have been dating ever since, but five months ago, they broke up. We went on numerous group dates with the boyfriend and we all became very familiar with him. One thing about him is he loves to dance, a thing that I also love. Somehow we bonded over our love for dance and even when the relationship with my friend ended, we went on a number of dates just to dance and relax. Now, we have both developed feelings for each and are dating on the low. Now my problem is how do I explain to my friend that I am dating her ex? We have never discussed this topic before if she is ok if her friend were to date her ex. Honestly, me and this man never did anything inappropriate when he was dating my friend. It is only now that we have developed feelings for each other. How do I handle the situation?

Anonymous.

Now, here are my thoughts on dating a friend’s ex-lover. I know anonymous is not the only person facing this. Love can happen at any time with anyone. It is always tricky to date someone who once dated your friend or relation. Feelings do not just disappear overnight and if the feelings are still there despite the relationship coming to an end, you are assured of some conflicts and negativity from the other party. I know when people break up, they are free to choose any person they want and move on with their lives, but when there are such complications, it is good to consider how important that friendship is before sacrificing it for a relationship.

I am saying this because mostly when a person chooses to date a friend’s ex; it signals the end of the friendship. Even if the friendship survives, it is never the same and those who have done this know what I am talking about. A certain weird vibe comes in and the interactions are fake or forced. No friend can genuinely like to see their ex-lover date their friend.

So, no. My take is avoid dating a friend’s ex unless you are assured he/she is a true soul mate and are ready to let go of the friendship.

Also, let us consider the ex-lovers’ history. If they have children, the issue is even more complicated. It means the two are bonded for life and the fact that a friend now replaces another can never be easy. So, while it might not really be a crime to date a friend’s ex, I find the whole thing just too much work. I think there are many people in the world to cling to a friend’s ex.

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