Sunken Ships: I Introduced a Pathological Liar to the Group Chat

Sunken Ships*** is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.***

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Tomilola* (29) met Soji* (27) online during the 2020 lockdown. What began with conversations about music and books soon became a close friendship, and she eventually introduced him to her wider friend group. But when several friends accused Soji of lying to them, Tomilola began to realise she might not have known him at all.

For Sunken Ships, she shares how she discovered Soji’s alleged history of deception and how this has affected her views on online friendship.

How did your friendship with Soji begin?

We became close after weeks of interacting online during the 2020 coronavirus lockdown. He’d leave comments on my music posts, and from there we started texting about our personal philosophies, favourite books, and our lives in general.

We became much closer during my job hunt in May when I asked him to be my accountability partner. He agreed, and we spent the next few months encouraging each other, reviewing cover letters and sending each other job links until we both got jobs. He was a shoulder I leaned on during that time because I was dealing with financial issues and really needed a job.

That’s sweet. How did your friendship progress over time?

It was great, even though we’d never met in person. He lived in Lagos while I lived in Ibadan, but I still tried to introduce him to as many of my friends as possible, both in Lagos and online. He was cool, funny, and gave great advice, so I knew my friends would like him just as much as I did.

Soon, he became a core part of our group. He hadn’t met several of us in person, but online, we were one big friend group. Some of my friends in Lagos even invited him to a game night. They ended up meeting him in person before I did the following year. We generally had a good run until June 2022, when Soji started having issues with several people in our friendship group.

Oh. What happened?

I’d heard that some people were upset at him, but I didn’t realise how serious things were until one of them, Amos*, approached me.

Amos said he and Soji had become closer after discovering they lived in the same area in Lagos. Earlier that year, Soji had asked Amos to lend him ₦600k and promised to pay him back at the end of the month. When the deadline came, he couldn’t pay and kept asking for extensions.

Amos eventually got fed up and asked me to step in since I was closest to Soji. I was surprised because, as far as I knew, Soji earned well as a copywriter.

Then I found out that Amos wasn’t the only person who had issues with him. A few others also reached out to complain about the lies Soji had told them.

What did he tell them?

One friend said Soji had pretended to be wealthy to impress a mutual acquaintance. He told her stories about living on the Island and having a dad who worked for an oil company. When she asked to visit him, he ghosted her.

To another, Soji claimed he was starting a clothing business and invited her to join him as a business partner. He had her create a couple of pitch decks and promised fast profits. He later claimed he’d used the decks to get investors, but started dodging her whenever she asked for updates.

I felt embarrassed and guilty because I brought him into my life and introduced him to my friends. I decided to talk to him about what had happened and see if we could resolve the issues amicably. I thought maybe he was just going through a rough patch.

How did your conversation with Soji go?

He claimed he was in a rough place mentally and had borrowed the money from Amos to handle a medical emergency involving his younger brother. He also explained the other lies as misunderstandings and promised to clear them up.

I trusted him to do the right thing and hoped the tensions would ease, but things got worse.

What do you mean?

Amos got Soji arrested for defaulting on his payment, and that incident revealed more about Soji than we ever knew.

First, Soji didn’t have a younger brother; he was the last child. He’d made up the story to get money from Amos. Amos found out after contacting Soji’s family in a bid to recover his money. They told him they had disowned Soji for constantly stealing and trying to defraud people. They were tired of bailing him out of his lies and washed their hands of him.

Omo, that’s wild.

Thankfully, Amos was able to recover part of the money, and they agreed on an instalment plan to settle the rest.

After they left the police station, Amos called and told me everything. I was hurt that Soji had deceived me for so long, especially after I’d defended him to my friends.

I removed him from our group chat and blocked him everywhere. Amos also came to the group and shared what he’d found out. We all agreed to cut Soji out of our lives.

Did you talk to him when you made this decision?

I didn’t. I spent weeks mulling over our friendship and wondering if he had become friends with me for ulterior motives from the beginning.

Did your friends blame you for bringing Soji into the group?

No, they tease me about it from time to time, but that’s about it.

I still felt guilty about it, though. I wished none of them had been hurt or inconvenienced because of someone I introduced them to. It took me a while to accept that I couldn’t have known what he was capable of.

Has he tried to reach out to you since then?

I don’t know. I haven’t checked any of his pages since. I’ve tried to bury the memory of our friendship entirely.

Has this affected your views on friendships?

Yes, I no longer trust people I meet online. The only new friends I’ve made since then are friends of friends or people my friend group has already vetted.

I thought I was a good judge of character until I met Soji. I haven’t been able to trust my judgement since. It’s wild that a person can reinvent themselves online, and there’s no real way to know unless they show their hand or you find out.

Do you think there’s any chance of reconciliation between you and Soji?

Never. A person who can lie so blatantly can do worse, and I won’t stick around to find out. I’m okay with the friends I already have.

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