I Can Explain: I Took a Sexual Jab at My Friend’s Mum and Sister. I’d Do It Again

When Charles* and Tochi* reconnected after years apart, Charles thought they had left their university days behind them. They had once been close buddies, and although Tochi had joined other students in making jokes about Charles’ body, Charles never took it as seriously when it came from him. So when Tochi brought up the same subject years later in front of a group of friends, Charles responded in a way that ended their friendship.

This is Charles’ explanation, as told to Adeyinka

Tochi and I went to the same university and stayed in the same hostel. We weren’t best friends, but we were close buddies and spent quite a bit of time together. We knew each other well enough to joke around and generally had a good relationship.

Because it was a public hostel, the male students usually bathed together. That was how some of the guys discovered that I had a particularly small penis. Once they found out, it became a running joke in the hostel.

They’d make comments about it and sometimes even try to enter the bathroom whenever I was there just to make fun of me. It wasn’t something I enjoyed, even though I tried not to show how much it bothered me. At some point, it became so uncomfortable that I started bathing alone.

Tochi joined in sometimes, but he wasn’t as bad as the others. I could actually take the joke when it came from him because we were friends, and I knew it wasn’t coming from a malicious place. There’s a difference between friends joking with you and a group of people constantly picking at something they know makes you uncomfortable.

After university, we lost touch. We went our separate ways, and life just happened. I think he relocated to Abuja with his family while I stayed in Lagos.

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Earlier this year, I ran into Tochi at an event. It was genuinely nice seeing him again after all those years. We hugged, caught up and talked about what had happened in our lives since university. It felt like one of those random reunions where you immediately remember the friendship you had before life got serious. There was no awkwardness between us, we just kept talking like we’d been together the entire time.

He told me he was having some friends over the following weekend and invited me. He mentioned that some of our old university friends would be there, so I thought it would be a good opportunity to see everyone again.

When I got to his place that weekend, I saw two of our old school friends and some other people I didn’t know. Everyone was having a good time, and there was a lot of banter because some of us hadn’t seen each other in years. I was comfortable enough to join in because these were people I had known before. It felt like we were all just catching up and remembering the old days. Then, out of nowhere, Tochi brought up my penis.

He asked if I was satisfying women in my life with it. I don’t know what made me react that way, but I immediately told him to bring his mother and sister and that I’d teach them a lesson. He got offended immediately and the mood in the house turned sour. Honestly, I didn’t care.

Maybe I shouldn’t have responded the way I did, but I also don’t understand why he thought it was okay to bring up something he knew I’d been insecure about, especially in front of other people. He knew the history behind the joke. He knew I had dealt with people making fun of me over it before.

What made it worse was that this wasn’t some random person who didn’t know me. This was someone I considered a friend and had just reconnected with after years. I expected that, if anything, he would have grown out of that kind of joke.

The whole situation ruined my mood, so I left earlier than I had planned. I didn’t want to stay around people after that and pretend everything was fine.

We haven’t spoken since then. I don’t really care if we do or not. At this point, I’m no longer the person I was in university who would just sit there and allow people to body-shame me because they thought it was funny.

I’ve grown since then, and I don’t think being friends with someone means I have to tolerate every joke they make at my expense. There are some things you simply shouldn’t joke about, especially when you already know the person has been insecure about them.

If someone tries that rubbish with me again, I’ll go lower than hell. People need to stop dishing out what they can’t take.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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