He wrote the reply at 11 o’clock at night, and it was perfect. Every line was true. The colleague had read more What your email reveals about your leadership (4)
He wrote the reply at 11 o’clock at night, and it was perfect.
Every line was true. The colleague had earned every word of it, had been careless, had shifted blame, and had made him look bad in front of people who mattered. So, he sat in the blue light of the screen and built his response sentence by sentence, and each one landed like a clean punch. He read it over twice and felt the deep, warm satisfaction of a man who is finally, articulately right. His cursor hovered over send.
In the version of this story where he is wise, he does the single hardest thing available to him at that moment. He moves the message to his drafts folder and closes the laptop. In the version where he is not, he sends it and spends the next six months paying for eleven seconds of righteousness, now preserved forever in someone else’s inbox, forwarded to people he never imagined, and quoted back to him in a meeting he cannot escape. Same truth. Opposite lives. The only variable was restraint.
We have spent three weeks learning to use email well: to respect its permanence, to notice what it trains, and to write it with clarity and purpose. Here, at the end, is the lesson that outranks all of them. The wisest leaders know when not to use it at all. Some conversations are ruined the instant they become permanent, flattened onto a screen, and forwardable to the world, and knowing which one’s email quietly destroys may be the highest communication discipline a leader ever develops.
There are four conversations that email reliably wrecks, and a leader who learns to recognise them has learned something most never do.
The first is anger. Email removes the one thing that used to save us from ourselves, the pause. In another era, fury had to survive the walk down the hall, the search for the person, the first awkward second of eye contact, and most of it burnt off along the way. Email offers no such mercy. It lets you fire a hot emotion the instant you feel it, and then it keeps that emotion forever, long after you have cooled and wished you hadn’t. Nothing written in anger has ever read better in the morning.
The second is serious correction. Real feedback, the kind that touches a person’s competence or character, needs the things only a room can hold: tone, warmth, the softening of a human face, and the privacy that lets someone absorb a hard truth without an audience. Put that same correction in writing, and it arrives as an indictment, cold and clinical, and it enters the permanent record where the person will feel it filed against them. If you want to correct someone in a way they can actually receive, do not hand them a document. Sit with them.
The third is conflict and nuance. The disagreement that could have been untangled in five minutes of conversation hardens the moment it is committed to writing, because email strips away tone and hands the reader a blank space that anxiety fills with the worst possible interpretation. Two people who would have understood each other instantly across a table will read hostility into each other’s punctuation across an inbox. Some tensions can only be resolved in a room, because only a room carries the signals that tell us the other person is not our enemy.
The fourth is the sensitive and the human. The hard news, the sympathy, the apology, the moment that calls for care. Email makes these cold when they needed to be warm and permanent when they needed to be gentle. There are things a person should hear in a voice, not read in a font.
Now the honest caution, because this principle has a shadow. There is a coward’s version of everything I have just said. The leader who murmurs, “Let’s take this offline,” not to protect a relationship but to escape the record, to say the thing that leaves no trace, to duck the accountability that writing would create. That is not wisdom; it is evasion wearing wisdom’s clothes. The difference is entirely in the motive. Are you stepping off the page to protect a person or to protect yourself? The wise leader leaves the record when the conversation deserves a human face. The cowardly one leaves it when the truth deserves a witness.
So, sit with these questions. What was the last email you sent that a five-minute conversation would have handled better, and what did the written version cost you? Which message sitting in your drafts, or circling in your head right now, is really a conversation in disguise? And when you reach for email in a hard moment, are you choosing it because it is right or because it is easier than looking someone in the eye?
Here is your final challenge. This week, before you send anything difficult, anything angry, corrective, contested, or tender, stop and ask one question: does this belong in writing, or does it belong in a room? If it belongs in a room, close the laptop and walk to the room. It will cost you more, and it will be worth more.
Your sent folder is the most honest leadership journal you will ever keep. It records what you decided, teaches what you value, and sets the pace at which your people move. But its wisest pages are the ones it does not contain: the messages you were wise enough never to send, the conversations you carried into a room instead. Most leaders never read their sent folder at all. The best ones write it on purpose, and they know that leadership, in the end, is revealed as much by what you refuse to put in writing as by what you dare to.
Dr Toye Sobande is a strategic leadership expert, executive coach, lawyer, public speaker, and award-winning author. He is the CEO of Stephens Leadership Consultancy LLC, a strategy and management consulting firm offering creative insights and solutions to businesses and leaders. Email: [email protected]
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