Vusa Martin Dube THERE is a dangerous kind of parenting that looks like love, sounds like love and is defended as love, but quietly prepares a child for a difficult…
Vusa Martin Dube
THERE is a dangerous kind of parenting that looks like love, sounds like love and is defended as love, but quietly prepares a child for a difficult life.
It is the parent who says, “My child can do no wrong.” The one who pays for a broken window after Junior deliberately smashed it, phones the teacher to blame her when he fails a test, replaces the phone he carelessly loses, or laughs when a toddler insults an adult because “he is still young”. It is the parent who covers up theft, lies, bullying and bad behaviour because “I don’t want my child to suffer”.
That is the cruellest thing a parent can do to a child.
Children must learn early that actions have consequences. Throw food deliberately and it gets taken away. Break something through carelessness and help repair or replace it.
Refuse homework and lose some leisure time. Bully another child and apologise, make amends and face an appropriate consequence.
The US Centre for Disease Control and Prevention recommends age-appropriate consequences and consistent follow-through, warning that empty threats can teach children that misbehaviour eventually gets them what they want.
This is where tough love matters.
“Spare the rod, spoil the child” should never be a licence for beating children. Evidence links corporal punishment to harmful outcomes, including aggression and behavioural problems. The World Health Organisation estimates that about 1,2 billion children experience corporal punishment at home each year.
Real tough love is firmness without violence.
It is saying “no” and meaning it. It is allowing a teenager to face a missed deadline rather than inventing an excuse. It is making a child apologise after hurting someone, return what they took, clean what they deliberately dirtied and repair what they damaged.
Discipline must come with explanation, consistency and affection. Responsibility, self-control and emotional regulation are skills children develop through practice, feedback and supportive relationships.
Parents should also consider what repeated rescue teaches.
The adult who steals at work and expects Mum to “sort it out”.
The employee who misses deadlines, blames colleagues and expects relatives to intervene when his job is threatened.
The bully whose parents blame every victim. The driver who causes a crash and expects parents to pay the damages.
These outcomes are not inevitable, but they reveal the danger. Repeated rescue can teach a wrongdoer that rules are for other people.
A child who learns that Daddy will pay, Mum will lie and Grandma will defend him may grow into an adult who expects society to operate the same way.
Entitlement can become manipulation, unchecked aggression can become violence, and refusal to accept responsibility can become a deeply antisocial pattern.
That does not mean every badly parented child becomes a criminal.
Human behaviour is shaped by many factors, including temperament, peers, poverty, trauma, education and society. But pretending upbringing does not matter is foolish.
So, parents, love your children enough to disappoint them sometimes.
Give them boundaries and responsibilities. Let consequences teach where lectures fail. Praise good behaviour. Correct bad behaviour.
Apologise when you are wrong. Never confuse protecting your child from every consequence with preparing that child for life.
The greatest gift is not a childhood without consequences.
It is a child who grows into an adult capable of facing them.
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