Na Me F— Up? I Fought My Mum’s Boyfriend and Refused to Apologise

David*, 20, has always been extremely close to his mum. She had him when she was just 18, so people sometimes mistake them for siblings. But since David got into a physical altercation with his mum’s boyfriend and refused to apologise, things between him and his mum haven’t been the same.

At the end of this story, you’ll get to decide if David fucked up or not.

This is David’s dilemma, as shared with Adeyinka

My mum and I have always had a very unusual relationship. She had me when she was 18, so we’ve never really had that typical mother-and-son dynamic. Sometimes people see us outside and assume she’s my older sister, especially because she’s quite small. When I tell them she’s my mum, they’re usually shocked.

But beyond how young she looks, we’re genuinely very close. She’s probably my best friend. We speak pidgin to each other, and I sometimes call her by her name. It has never been disrespectful because that’s just how we relate. We can go out together, gist for hours or just spend the day doing random things. There are things I tell her that I probably wouldn’t tell anyone else.

That was why leaving for university last year was difficult for me. I was supposed to stay in UNILAG, which would have meant I could still come home regularly, but that didn’t work out. I ended up schooling in Osun State, and it became the longest period I’d ever spent away from her.

Before then, I didn’t really know anything about her love life. I knew she occasionally saw men, but she never brought anyone home or made it seem like she was seriously dating anyone. So when I came home for the holidays earlier this year and saw a strange man in the house, I was surprised.

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He looked quite young too, maybe in his early 30s. The first thing that happened between us didn’t exactly help. I stretched out my hand to greet him, but he turned it down and jokingly told me to prostrate. Maybe he was trying to be funny, but I didn’t find it funny. I immediately decided I didn’t like him.

My mum wasn’t home when I arrived, so I had to wait until she came back before she properly introduced us. She could also tell that something was wrong with me because she knows me too well.

She explained that he was her boyfriend and that they’d been seeing each other quietly for a while. She also told me that she’d been feeling lonely since I left for school. I understood where she was coming from. I didn’t expect her to stop living her life because I went to university, and I knew she had every right to date.

So I accepted it. The problem was that accepting him and actually being comfortable around him were two different things.

He was around almost all the time I was home. Before he came into the picture, I could spend time with my mum however I wanted. We could gist, go out or just sit together without thinking about anybody else. Now, whenever I wanted to spend time with her, he was there.

I started feeling like I had to compete for my own mother’s attention. I also didn’t like the way he sometimes spoke to me. I tried to ignore it because I didn’t want to create problems for my mum, but there was already tension between us.

The final incident happened during the week I was supposed to return to school. He asked me to run an errand for him, but I told him I was busy with schoolwork. I wasn’t trying to be rude. I genuinely had things to do.

He then pushed my head and told me I was being rude. I reacted immediately and hit his hand away. Before I knew what was happening, we were pulling and pushing each other. It wasn’t some serious fight where we were trying to kill each other, but it became physical enough that my mum heard the noise and came to separate us.

I expected her to at least ask what happened before deciding who was wrong. Instead, she was extremely angry with me. She told me off and made me go do the errand he had asked me to. That hurt me so much.

I kept thinking, “So this is how it is now?”

This was my mother, the person I’ve always felt closest to, and suddenly I felt like she was more concerned about keeping her boyfriend happy than understanding why I reacted the way I did. She also asked me to apologise to him, but I refused.

Maybe that was where I really messed up. But at the time, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I felt like I was being asked to apologise for defending myself, while nobody was asking him to apologise for putting his hands on me first.

I went back to school that week, and I haven’t been home since March. Normally, during breaks, my mum would call to ask when I was coming home. This time, she hasn’t pushed me to come back. I’ve also avoided going because I don’t know what the atmosphere will be like.

We still talk, but it isn’t the same. I can tell she’s still angry that I refused to apologise, and I’m also still hurt by how she handled the situation. The annoying thing is that I actually miss her.

I miss our random conversations. I miss being able to come home and just sit with her. I even miss the way we can speak to each other in Pidgin and laugh about things nobody else would understand.

Part of me wants to go home and pretend nothing happened, but another part of me is still angry. I keep wondering whether she genuinely chose her boyfriend over me, or if I’m letting my hurt blow things out of proportion.

My cousins think I should apologise just to make peace with my mum, even if I still believe her boyfriend was wrong. They say refusing to apologise is only making things worse and that, at the end of the day, I’m the one losing time with my mum.

Maybe they’re right. But I also don’t want to apologise just because I’m scared of losing my relationship with her. I want her to understand why I was hurt and why I reacted the way I did.

I love my mum, and I know she loves me. That’s what makes this whole thing more painful. Now I’m wondering if I fucked up by refusing to apologise, or if I’m allowed to be angry that she didn’t take my side when I needed her to.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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