I’ve Never Dated Anyone, but I’ve Slept With 40 People

On the Streets is a Zikoko weekly series about the chaos of modern dating: from situationships and endless talking stages to heartbreak and everything it means to be single in today’s world.

At 15, Daniel* (26) lost the first person he ever loved. He struggled to let people get close after her death, eventually turning to casual sex for validation.

In this episode of On the Streets, he reflects on how that loss shaped his approach to love and relationships, and how stepping away from casual sex and finding faith have changed his mindset.

What’s your relationship status, and how do you feel about it?

I’ve never been in a relationship. It bothered me for a while, but I don’t think about it as much anymore. I have other things to focus on, especially my mental health and moving on from everything I’ve been through.

Right. Could you walk me through how you got to this point?

I think it goes back to the first and only person I ever loved.

Amira* and I grew up in the same neighbourhood. My mum had a shop nearby, so I saw her often. We became friends when we ended up in the same class. She loved playing football, even though some of the boys made fun of her. But I used to stand up for her.

As we spent more time together, I developed feelings for her. It was the purest kind of love. I cared about her without expecting anything in return, and she felt the same way.

My mum sometimes gave me money for helping out at her shop, and I’d spend the bulk of it on nice things for Amira. We never dated because we were young. Yet we meant so much to each other, even though everyone thought we were just friends.

Then, in August 2015, everything changed.

What happened?

Amira passed in the most gruesome manner. She initially went missing, and everyone had different stories about her whereabouts. Some people said her mum had sent her to the market, while others claimed she’d boarded a bus. By the third day, however, her body was found in a neighbouring area.

I was only 15, and my parents tried to shield me from the details. When my older brother eventually told me what happened, I screamed and hit him because I thought he was lying. I can’t explain what I felt. I was in shock and felt physically sick. It was the worst day of my life.

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I’m so sorry. How did you cope with that loss?

It was difficult, especially because her family moved away shortly after her death. As far as I knew, nobody had been arrested, and nobody had any answers about what happened. It felt like everyone just moved on.

At school, people said all sorts of things about her. Some claimed she got into trouble after following a yahoo boy. I fought people for spinning false narratives about her. Eventually, I became isolated.

The rest of secondary school was terrible. I think I was depressed, but mental health wasn’t something we cared about in my family. My parents would tell me to thank God I wasn’t the one who died and move on. That contributed to my rebelliousness. I got into a lot of trouble until I left for university in 2018.

**Did things get easier when you got to university? **

I became calmer and more level-headed, but I still kept to myself. I also struggled to connect with people romantically. Whenever I liked someone, I worried about getting attached and losing them, so I’d often push them away before things could go any further.

Towards the end of my first year in 2019, I became interested in someone in my friend group. I asked if she saw us as more than friends, but she said she didn’t. When I asked why, she told me I was awkward and wasn’t her type. That made me realise I needed to work on my confidence.

Around that time, dating apps like Bumble and Badoo were becoming popular, and many of my friends were using them. I decided to try them too.

**How did that go? **

I wanted to meet people and make connections, but I was also self-conscious about my lack of sexual experience. Many of my male friends talked openly about sex, and I often felt awkward because I couldn’t contribute to those conversations. I didn’t want anyone to know how inexperienced I was.

So when I started getting mostly sexual offers on the apps, I went along with them. By 2021, I’d hooked up with at least 20 people. I became more confident and continued meeting people throughout university. Eventually, I lost count.

When I tried to work out my body count in 2023, I counted about 40 people.

Wow. Did any of these flings become something more?

Not really. Dating apps made me feel like I had endless options. If I approached someone and they gave me an attitude, or the conversation wasn’t going well, I’d block them and move on.

I also struggled with my self-esteem. Even after university, when I no longer had the same opportunities to meet strangers, I continued having casual encounters because the attention made me feel more confident.

I didn’t realise this was a problem until my service year in 2025. I became friends with another intern, and we talked a lot. I opened up to her about my experiences at university and what happened to me as a child. She suggested that my approach to dating might be linked to my past trauma and my fear of committing to anyone.

Over time, I developed feelings for her, but she was in a long-distance relationship and only saw me as a friend. Nothing romantic came of it. Still, our friendship made me reflect on how I approached relationships and played a part in my decision to become celibate.

What exactly drove that decision in the first place?

A few things came together. I developed a minor infection after sleeping with someone I met on Instagram and had to spend my savings on treatment. I decided I needed a break and deleted my social media accounts because I didn’t want to deal with everything going on in my life.

At the start of this year, I got a job closer to home and moved back. I couldn’t meet people as often, and I gradually lost interest in casual encounters.

Around that time, a young pastor who had been encouraging me to attend his church finally got me to go. I kept returning because I enjoyed the choir.

A few weeks later, the pastor preached about addiction. I was struggling with masturbation at the time, and I often felt depressed and unsatisfied afterwards. Something about the sermon hit me, and I broke down crying.

I opened up to the pastor, and I never felt judged. He even shared that he’d struggled with similar things when he was younger. Finding a community where I could speak openly about what I was going through felt refreshing.

Since then, I’ve been growing closer to God, and I’ve now been celibate for four months.

Nice. How have your experiences shaped your idea of love and relationships?

I think I need to slow down my approach. My love life might have turned out differently if I hadn’t been so impatient. But I don’t regret my experiences because they’ve brought me to where I am today.

I’m also learning not to let other people’s opinions influence my decisions, whether in friendships or romantic relationships. More importantly, I’m beginning to recognise the things I need to work on in myself before jumping into a relationship.

Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10

9/10. I’ve always been single, so I’ve never really felt pressured to do otherwise. For now, I’m focused on finding total healing and working on myself before I meet the right person.

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