Should Parents Tell Kids The Truth About An Absent Parent?

Joseline Hernandez has sparked a debate because of a recent conversation she had with her daughter, Bonnie Bella, that was captured on camera. The 9-year-old was asked whether she considers her father, Stevie J, to be a good dad, to which she replied, “Yes and no.”

She continued, “Yes, because he kind of wants to see me, talks to me sometimes. No is because he, like I said, he kind of lies. I think he lies about meeting and just, like, goes out and then talks.”

Hernandez interjected to say, “And he doesn’t give us any money.” She added that the producer hasn’t financially contributed to Bonnie Bella’s upbringing since she was born.

“He don’t give us a dollar,” the TV personality said, to which her daughter replied, “That is the problem.”

“Your school is so expensive. He doesn’t even have the decency to call and say, ‘Hey, do y’all need some money over there?’ Like, your dad hasn’t gave me a dollar since you’ve been born.”

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The internet is divided about whether Hernandez was right to mention how much (or how little) Stevie J contributes to Bonnie Bella’s upbringing. Reality is, there isn’t a clean-cut answer. This is one of those situations we have to approach with a dual lens because humans are complex and co-parenting is, too, sometimes.

I think a better question to ask is how does Bonnie Bella knowing how much her father contributes financially help her at the age of 9? And what is the goal of sharing that truth?

At about 12 years old, my mom started having conversations with me about my dad that weren’t age-appropriate. I grew up in a two-parent household, but my mother made it a point to regularly break into soliloquies about what a bad father and husband my dad was. At the time, I thought she was exaggerating because I couldn’t see my dad as anything but pristine.

As I got older, I realized a lot of what my mom said about my dad was true. The issue was that the “truth” was unsolicited, untimely, and relayed from a place of anger, resentment, and pain. I absorbed that energy, held on to it, and it led to a fractured relationship between me and my father. Even more, my mother’s truths about my dad (among other traumas) had a ubiquitous effect on my dating life, self-worth, and friendships. It took years to work through that. The breakthrough moment for me was learning to see my dad as a whole person with shortcomings who loved me the best he could.

Bringing the conversation back to center, telling kids more than they need to know before they need to know can be harmful. Especially when they don’t have the tools to process it.

I personally don’t think kids need to hear unprovoked “truths” about the other parent, especially when they’re young. But I do think it’s important for you to tell them the truth when they ask. The key is to answer their questions in a way that’s honest while being mindful to not project negative feelings you have about the other parent onto your child. If you can’t answer their questions without vitriol, assigning blame, or shaming, it might be best to pause.

It’s also important that you create an environment where they can openly ask questions. Additionally, help them process their feelings about the answers you give without making judgments about the other parent. Hernandez saying Stevie J “…Doesn’t have the decency…” may be true, but it has a critical undertone and can influence the way Bonnie sees her dad. That matters because he is a part of her, and she will see herself in him, both good and bad. There’s also no need to talk down on the other parent because kids are smart and eventually come to their own conclusions. They don’t need your help getting there.

Let it be known that I’m not in the business of protecting deadbeats. I am, however, in the business of protecting kids. Tell them the truth if they ask, and if your intention in answering is to create clarity or facilitate healing. Otherwise, save your unfiltered thoughts for the group chat.