BMW, I fancy my best friend’s man

BMW,

I think my best friend is failing to take care of his husband. We have been close to my friend since our teenage ages until she got married to this cute and responsible guy. But the problem is that my best friend has transferred her domineering spirit into her marriage. My friend comes from a well-to-do family and has no regard for people who are of lower status than her family. The cute guy has humble beginnings but has made it in life through sheer hard work. Through disagreement, the two are now separated and are contemplating divorce. I have been providing moral support to both my friend and his estranged husband, but one strange thing has happened. We seem to like each other beyond the friendship thing and I go sometimes crazy imaging things with him. Should I trust my instincts ndi kutola chotayacho?

Gloria,

Nsungwi, LL

Dear Gloria,

First of all, stop calling that man your friend’s husband. He has graduated from husband status and is now what lawyers call “work in progress.”

You say your friend and the gentleman are separated and discussing divorce. In football terms, my daughter, the match has entered stoppage time. All that’s left is for the referee to blow the whistle and for spectators to invade the pitch.

Now let us address the real issue here. You claim you are providing “moral support” to both parties. Moral support? My foot. Women have turned that phrase into a weapon of mass destruction.

Every story that begins with “I was just providing moral support” ends with somebody’s husband providing financial support, emotional support and eventually child support.

You also say your friend is domineering and likes reminding people that her family has money.

That, Gloria, is your first clue. The second clue is that the poor man has already run away.

Women don’t understand these things. A man can survive hunger. He can survive unemployment. He can survive Manchester United losing every weekend.

But constant nagging? The man’s spirit eventually leaves the body and starts renting elsewhere.

Now you ask whether you should trust your instincts and kutola chotayacho.

Gloria, let me teach you something I learnt during my six marriages and seven divorces.

Nothing causes more problems than a woman convincing herself she has found a bargain.

That handbag lying unattended at Limbe Market is not necessarily lost. The owner may simply be buying tomatoes. Likewise, that handsome man may appear available today, but tomorrow your friend may wake up, remember she paid lobola expenses, and come to reclaim her property with the energy of a debt collector.

And where will that leave you? Running through Nsungwi with one shoe.

My advice is simple. Keep your distance until the divorce papers are drier than Lake Chilwa in October. If they eventually separate officially, then proceed carefully.

But if you start harvesting before the crop has been released by the Ministry of Agriculture of Divorce Affairs, do not cry when your best friend introduces your face to a flying handbag.

And please stop calling it instinct. What you are experiencing is not instinct. It is a condition scientifically known as seeing a handsome man paying his own bills.

Regards,

Big Man Wamkulu

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