Plumbing new lows in politics

We need to get some work done on my mum’s bathroom and the plumber arrives to take a look. He does everything, from septic tanks to tiling, from blocked toilets to leaky taps, from JoJos to… political analysis.

So, as he’s taking his leave, he says, I see you’re having some riots in Ireland. I blink at him, confused. Not lately, I reply; that’s mostly France.

Ah, but it’s coming, he nods sagely. I know, says he. I watch all the American news; I’ve worked out what’s going on. And what might that be, I ask?

My own list of suspects

I’m thinking maybe climate change, artificial intelligence, bot farms, late-stage capitalism, rampant inequality, racism, extreme weather, the Russian invasion of Ukraine.

The US war on Iran, the Gordian knot that is Palestine, the other 120-odd international and local conflicts currently raging on earth (the highest number since World War II), endemic corruption, the mega-polluting superrich, the outsized influence of these selfsame superrich (Elon Musk has given $446 million to Republican lobbying ahead of tomorrow’s US midterm elections – an unprecedented amount which is still only 0.05% of his wealth) – extremism from all sides.

This, because politics is circular and at the back of the orb where no light shines, left and right tangle into a dark mess, and all of this topped with a hefty dollop of mistrust and misanthropy.

Miseducation of the plumber

But no. It’s the Muslims, the plumber announces, radical Muslims – they’re behind it all. Maybe he should watch some other news channels, I suggest.

He does, he says, and it’s all fake news. I tell him I’m a journalist, but my words bounce off him like pebbles on a frozen lake, leaving no marks, no ripples. Whatever I read, whatever I listen to, wherever I get my information – not from Facebook, I’ll tell you that – it matters not one jot.

I am ignorant and he has it all figured out. There’s a lot of it about. And then we veer onto Donald Trump – he’s a fan: “crazy guy, but he knows what he’s doing”.

I’m all: “Well, he knows how to line his own family’s pockets, and to deflect.” I finally say let’s not talk politics any more because we’re never going to agree. He laughs and we say our goodbyes.

He’ll be back today, in time for some pre-midterm election analysis. And we haven’t even talked about South Africa yet.