What have you done for me lately? By Muyiwa Adetiba

He was my former Chairman’s con- tact and possibly friend. He later became my friend and even confidant. But it was a transition that almost didn’t happen. When Chief Olu Aboderin – the founding Chairman of Punch – asked me to interview ‘Senator’, he was described as one of the richest Nigerians of his time. ‘As rich as my Chairman?’ I asked. ‘Your Chairman needs loans to survive.

This man doesn’t’. Was late Chief Aboderin’s humorous response. The ‘Senator’ I met was not exactly a reporter’s delight. He was distant. He was cool, almost to the point of aloofness – I put it down to a Fulani arrogance at play. I however did my job and wrote my article. It became just another day’s job as far as I was concerned. He must have liked what I wrote. He must also have expected a follow up of sorts, in the way of either a visit or at least a call. I did neither. He sent the Punch National Assembly Correspondent to me. I declined his invitation. He later sent the State House Correspondent to me. I gave the same answer. Much later, my Chairman asked me why I had refused to honor his friend’s invitation. I told him I had simply done my job and didn’t need validation of any sort from his friend. When my late Chairman told me my attitude could be seen as being disrespectful, especially by such a national figure, I stepped down from my high horse and arranged for a visit.

The ‘Senator’ I met this second time was different. He was friendly, even to the point of being solicitous and a good relation developed which was probably more beneficial to me than to him. He would call me from anywhere in the world to ask my opinion on a media story, or just to chat. And when he made a half-hearted bid for the Presidency, I was one of his confidants. So much so that even some northern power brokers went through me to him. I often wondered subsequently, if a relationship of such mutual respect, would have developed if I had handled our initial contact differently. If I had perhaps, been more obsequious; or even more transactional.

He was not the only one. Many of the people I interviewed back in the day developed personal relationships with me because they felt I was ‘different’. Many people seek relationships with the rich and the connected because of what they can get from them. They join the Rotary Club and some elite social clubs; they play golf and other elite sports; all of these to rub shoulders with those whose association they think would be beneficial to their lives. The high and mighty are aware of this intention however and so try to shield themselves from being exploited, sometimes by being distant and aloof like the ‘Senator’. On the romantic side, many ladies want steady relationships that would at least be long term if they do not lead to marriage. But they also want benefactors or financiers and show their hands too early by passing bills to their suitors.

These suitors immediately know what the score is and either become wary and aloof or become transactional. No deep relationship can develop this way. No meaningful relationship can develop if one party feels they are being exploited or paying for love. A young lady took a different approach. She had met a rich young man at an elite boat club. A relationship started. To deepen the growing relationship, he offered a ‘get away’ trip outside the country. She agreed but in- sisted on paying her share of the fare. He was genuinely taken aback and didn’t know when he said ‘you are different from the others’. This was a young, dashing man who was used to paying for services rendered and sometimes, not rendered. Needless to say, this further deepened their relationship and shifted it to a level of mutual respect and admiration. This lady’s approach probably aligns with the biblical doctrine which says ‘seek you first the kingdom of heaven and its righteousness and all other things would be added unto you’. In this case, ‘seek ye first a meaningful relationship and benefits would follow’ as I am sure many benefits including marriage, would have been ‘added unto this young lady’ subsequently.

It also aligns with my advice to people who think only of themselves in any relationship. It is unfortunately, a doctrine many people by-pass. No deep relationship can be one sided. No relationship that is transactional can be meaningful. Any relationship that is obligatory cannot develop deep roots.

In a society where money, as opposed to integrity and loyalty, is the most important currency in relationships, the rich is always expected to give; the man is always expected to give; the country is always expected to give. It is unfortunate. I and a colleague once spent an evening with the late MKO Abiola. It happened to be his birthday. First, I was surprised that the place was not filled with people although it was before he ventured into politics. Second, I was surprised at how appreciative he was at the little gifts he had received during the day.

Many people believe that giving the rich Christmas or birthday gifts is a waste of resources because the rich can always fund their desires. My association with them proved otherwise. Thoughtful gifts irrespective of the price, mean a lot to them. You can only give thoughtful gifts however, if you understand the person and you can only understand them if you have a relationship with them. It always comes down to relationships – whether with a spouse, a lover or the rich.

Yet, many Nigerians, especially the young, have a very bad relationship with Nigeria, the country from which they expect so much. Many ask why they should have any kind of relationship, let alone a loving one, with their ancestral country. ‘What has Nigeria done for me lately?’ they ask indignantly. It was John F Kennedy, the late American President who once intoned ‘think not of what your country can do for you, but think of what you can do for your country’. It is in doing this that you drop your ‘entitlement attitude’. It is when a warmer, more positive relationship can ensue. And if you substitute country with spouse, lover, parent, sibling or even friend, then you are on your way to achieving a mature, fulfilling relationship both physically and spiritually. You are also on your way to becoming a better human being. What is more, you will enjoy the full benefits of relationships across board. Give, (of yourself) and it shall be given unto you’ says the Holy Book.

The post What have you done for me lately? By Muyiwa Adetiba appeared first on Vanguard News.