Women Share Their Experiences of Growing Up as the Only Daughter

Growing up as the only girl among boys can mean very different things. For some girls, it means having brothers who look out for them and parents who treat them no differently. For others, it means being expected to cook, clean, and care for their brothers simply because they are girls.

In this article, we spoke to 10 women about what it was like growing up as the only daughter in their families, and how those experiences have shaped their relationships with their parents and brothers.

1. “She Didn’t Place Any Pressure on Me Simply Because I’m a Girl” — Okiki*, 26

As my parents’ only daughter and my brothers’ youngest sibling, I was heavily spoilt. I grew up not knowing how to do a lot of things because the home I came from did not believe in the concept of letting their daughter suffer while the boys enjoyed. Our parents employed maids so we, their children, wouldn’t have to lift a finger, and my mum, unlike most of my friends’ mothers, did not display double standards when it came to my brothers and me. She didn’t put me in charge of taking care of my brothers; she never asked me to cook for my brothers, because she expected them to know their way to the kitchen, and she ensured that she didn’t place any pressure on me simply because I’m a girl. She and my father treated my brothers and me equally, and I never felt out of place because I was their only daughter.

2. “If They Got Into Trouble, I Got the Lashings” — Dami*, 30

I have younger twin brothers, and I’m the first child and only daughter. My dad didn’t treat my brothers and me differently, but my mum was a different story. I only have a 2-year age gap with my brothers, and yet I became responsible for them even before I could define responsibility. I had to take care of them, wash their clothes, cook for them, and if they got into trouble, I was the one who would get lashings from my mother. I never had a moment of peace in my life because of my brothers.

When they grew up, you would think they would start taking responsibility for themselves, but I was still the one who had to cook for them and take care of them because my mum couldn’t wrap her head around the idea of her baby boys doing domestic chores when their sister was around. I resented her and my brothers for this, and the moment I started earning a comfortable income, I moved out and didn’t look back. I barely visit home these days because I can’t even bear to look at my mum without resentment bubbling in me.

3. “Because of My Mum, I Have a Weird Relationship With Boys” — Chidera*, 24

My mum likes to say that she treats my brother and me equally, and while she might be right to an extent, I can’t forget all the times she would tell me things like “don’t let men touch you, or else you’ll get pregnant” or “make sure not to befriend any boy” before I even knew what sex was, but she or my dad never gave my brothers any sort of sex education. They were allowed to befriend girls in their classes while I avoided boys throughout primary school because I was convinced that if they touched me, I would immediately get pregnant.

I also remember when I was 13, and my mum slapped me and seized my phone for six months because I was talking to a male friend, but she didn’t extend that same energy to my younger brother when we found out that he had a girlfriend he’d been giving all his feeding allowance to. I don’t hate my mum, but because of her, I have a weird relationship with boys and intimacy, and it’s taking me a while to unlearn.

4. “The Bullying I Faced Was Traumatising” — Lola*, 25

I have two elder brothers who are four years older than me, and the bullying I faced at their hands while growing up was so traumatising. One minute we could all be laughing together, and the next, one of them is beating me so badly you would think they genuinely hated me. As much as the beatings left my body in pain afterwards, that’s not the hurtful part of all of this. What hurts the most is when I go to my mum in the hope that she will provide comfort and reprimand my brothers, but she never does. She would tell me to stop crying because I’m no longer a baby, and she would remind me that my brothers act like that because that’s how boys act. That seriously messed me up as a teenager, and even though I’m still very much in contact with my mother and brothers, I sometimes resent them for what they did to me. I was a child, and I didn’t deserve that.

5. “I Was Allowed to Be a Useless Girl” — Olivia*, 21

I don’t think growing up among brothers affected me like that, but I think it’s because my parents didn’t treat anyone differently. I was allowed to be a girl who just existed on her terms. I didn’t have to be responsible for any of my brothers because my parents expected all of us to figure things out on our own.

I was allowed to be a useless girl, and according to society standards, that meant a girl who didn’t know how to cook, do her laundry or clean the house. Basically, my parents raised me the way they raised my brothers. They didn’t place any unnecessary pressure on us to do household chores, and it wasn’t until after secondary school that I felt I needed to learn to cook for myself.

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6. “Everyone Avoided Me Because of My Brothers” — Mary*, 21

Growing up, I hated having brothers. They took on this role of protective bodyguards who literally chased people away from my life. They would see me talking to a boy and go behind my back to threaten him to stay away from me. I couldn’t even have a boyfriend because they either roughed him up or snitched on me to my parents.

Almost everyone at my school and on my street started avoiding me because they were afraid of what my brothers would do to me. I know some might think having protective brothers is nice, but they have never cried at night, praying to God to kill them because no one wanted to be friends with the girl with feral elder brothers.

7. “I Feel Like a Discarded Child They Don’t Want” — Amina*, 20

I have two brothers, one older and one younger, and I always felt out of place at home because it felt like my parents loved them more than they loved me. They always denied it, of course, but I could see that they had favourites, and it was never me. My dad would get my younger brother anything he wanted, but if I asked for the same thing, he would start coming up with reasons why he couldn’t buy it for me.

My elder brother lost his phone, and my mum easily got him a replacement, but when I lost mine, it took her a whole month to get me a replacement. I don’t feel like I can rely on my parents because they don’t seem to love me in any way. They obviously see my brothers as some sort of blessing, but I feel like a discarded child that they don’t want.

8. “I Didn’t Have to Hide a Part of Myself From Them” — Julia*, 26

My parents were barely involved in my brothers’ and my lives because they were so busy putting food on the table, so we only had each other to rely on most of the time. Because of that, I learnt a lot from them. I struggled a lot with my identity and sexuality right from a young age, and I always felt like I had no one to talk to.

Our society already perceives people like me as immoral, and I was scared of letting anyone know that I preferred to kiss girls rather than boys. However, my first brother found out about it, and instead of shaming me, he talked to me and let me know that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. My other brothers also talked to me, and I remember starting to feel relaxed enough to tell them about the girls I liked. Because of them, I didn’t feel like I had to hide a part of myself from the people I love, and I learnt a lot from them, too.

9. “It Was Forbidden to Talk to My Brothers Casually” — Tolu*, 27

Having brothers as the only daughter was more of a curse than a blessing because it exposed me to how much our society would sacrifice for its boychild. It was like I was birthed to serve my brothers. My parents expected it from me; my relatives would call me lazy if they saw my brother going to the kitchen to cook, and the women in my life looked at me with disgust if I so much as asked why I had to cook for my brothers when their hands were working well. It was even forbidden for me to talk to my brothers casually because, apparently, that’s disrespectful by societal standards, and that just never made sense to me. If my brothers speak casually to me, it’s normal, but if I do, I lack respect? How does that work?

10. “I Don’t Know Why I Have to Be a Housemaid for Them” — Cynthia*, 29

I didn’t realise that my parents were raising my brothers and me in unconventional ways until we started letting relatives live with us. I didn’t realise it was a girl’s job to cook for her brothers when they were hungry until my aunt, who was living with us, started berating me for not cooking for them. That was what grated on me in particular because if I was hungry, I had to cook, but if my brothers were hungry, it was still me who would cook. I never got that because I grew up with my brothers cooking for me whenever they cooked their meals. I’m not a fan of cooking, and my parents never shamed me for it, but my aunt suddenly started judging me for it, and that exposed me to the double standard that only daughters actually face in their homes. It does not make sense that I have to be a housemaid for my brothers. That’s not why my parents gave birth to me.

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**Next Read: **What Type of Feminist Are You?

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