Families can ease the burden of one person worrying about the needs of her ageing parents and young children, but it requires uncomfortable conversations, says the writer.
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THERE is a generation of South Africans quietly trying to keep two ends of the family together, often while wondering how much longer they can keep going themselves.
On one side are children who need school fees, transport, food, emotional support and help getting started in adulthood. On the other are ageing parents who may need assistance with groceries, medical appointments, medication, household expenses or simply the reassurance that someone is checking in.
'Sandwich generation'
In the middle is the so-called "sandwich generation", and many are exhausted.
South Africa's circumstances make that squeeze particularly complicated.
Census 2022 data from Statistics South Africa showed that roughly 9.8% of the population was aged 60 or older, representing millions of older South Africans whose care needs are likely to increase as the population ages.
At the other end of the family, financial independence is not necessarily arriving quickly. South Africa's persistent youth unemployment problem means many parents continue to support children long after matric or university.
Unemployment rate
Statistics SA's Quarterly Labour Force Survey recorded an unemployment rate of 45.5% among young people aged 15 to 34 in the first quarter of 2024. Behind those percentages are ordinary households.
It is the 48-year-old paying for her teenager's school excursion while helping her mother buy medication. The father worrying about an unemployed adult child's petrol money while arranging transport to his own father's clinic appointment. The couple whose salary must stretch across children, parents and their own household before they have considered saving for their retirement.
The cost is not only financial. Constant responsibility can lead to chronic stress, sleep problems, irritability, anxiety and emotional exhaustion.
The South African Depression and Anxiety Group has repeatedly emphasised the importance of recognising when ongoing stress begins interfering with everyday functioning and seeking help rather than waiting until someone reaches a breaking point.
Caregiver burnout does not always look dramatic. Sometimes it is forgetting an appointment. Crying over something small. Losing patience with the people you love. Feeling resentful when the phone rings because somebody probably needs something. Or lying awake worrying about your children, your parents, money and tomorrow.
Then comes the guilt
Spend time helping an ageing parent and you worry that your children are being neglected. Concentrate on your children and you wonder whether your parents need you. Take an afternoon for yourself and it can feel as though you have abandoned everyone. Families can ease that burden, but it requires uncomfortable conversations.
First, stop allowing one person to become the family's emergency department. Siblings need to discuss responsibility for ageing parents rather than assuming the most dependable child will handle everything. Older children can contribute to household chores. Partners need to recognise appointments, school administration, caregiving and organising as work too.
It is also worth asking a difficult question: Does this person need my help, or have I simply become accustomed to doing it for them?
An adult child who can make their own appointment should probably make it. An older parent who remains capable of managing certain parts of daily life may benefit from maintaining that independence. Helping someone does not always mean taking over.
Money needs boundaries too
Continually rescuing relatives financially can leave the person in the middle approaching retirement without adequate protection of their own. And caregivers need permission to appear on their own priority lists. That could mean sharing the school run, asking a sibling to accompany a parent to an appointment, having your own medical check-up, seeing a friend, getting proper sleep, or saying, "I cannot do that today."
Most importantly, exhaustion should never become proof of love. Caring for your children and your parents does not require disappearing from your own life. Because when the person holding everybody together finally runs out of bread, there is very little left to make the sandwich.
Adeela Ismail
Image: Supplied
Adeela Ismail is an emerging South African author whose writing bridges the worlds of compelling fiction, meaningful faith-based education, and social awareness. Through her work, she seeks to encourage understanding, compassion, and meaningful conversations around the emotional well-being of individuals and families, striving to leave a lasting impact.
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