When families abandon late siblings’ children

Why do the siblings of a man, who died relatively too early, often abandon his young family? They simply cut themselves out of the lives of their deceased brother’s wife and children. They manifest the wicked spirit of Cain, who retorted, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” when God asked him about Abel.

Check out the stories of the most prominent men and women who became bereaved at a tender age, you will see that it was the family of their mothers who stood in the gap to rescue the woman and her children.

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In recent published interviews of notable men and women, you would often read this line: ‘I was raised by my mother with the help of her siblings.’ It cuts across board: footballers, entrepreneurs, academics, just name it. The moment the husband passes on, the burden of the woman and her children fall on the shoulders of the woman’s family.

That is why you find that so many prominent businessmen were raised by their maternal uncles. For instance, a scene played out when one of the prominent schools in Lagos held its end of session and prize-giving day. Parents, teachers and students had gathered for the event. As it progressed, 16-years old Edward stood out in brilliance. He won six awards and was the overall best student. The moment the principal congratulated and hung a medal on him, rushed off the stage and ran into the crowd and hung it on his mother’s elder sister, Aunty Mabel. When he returned to the stage with all eyes on him, while Aunty Mabel sobbed gently, dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief, Edward took the microphone and said: “Woman, cry no more, you have sowed and you must reap. My sister Vanessa and I had biological parents who died mysteriously within a short interval, but you took custody of your late sister’s children from ages 6 and 4. Today, I want to thank you in a special way. The hall erupted in applause and women shed tears of joy for the due honour he gave to his maternal aunt. Some wondered who would stand in the gap for them if death came suddenly. One woman boldly said, “It will always be your mother’s family.’

A former Vice Chancellor in one of the South South universities once spoke about his upbringing. He said: “I was six months old when my father died in Lagos and my mother relocated us to the village. We were raised by our mother and her own mother who was our grandmother. We had nobody anywhere, no uncle or aunty from anywhere. Today, I am a Vice Chancellor of a foremost university.”

Chief Larry was our first neighbour many years ago before he moved into his own house. He took a liking to my family because he saw education in our midst. Even as a major dealer in Caterpillar spare parts, he once recalled his own experience during a chat with me: “I have not forgiven my immediate father’s younger brother, Uncle Jonas. When my father died, I was about to enter secondary school and my mother approached my uncle to seek support for my further studies. He said the load will be too much for him. My mother, a poor illiterate widow, cried and took me to his older brother who was a Caterpillar spare parts merchant. That was how I came to Lagos and served him for eight years. He settled me. But I wish I had gone to school. The reason I work so hard is that if I am no longer there, all my children must go to school. It is sacrosanct.”

Well, for today’s single parents, especially mothers who do not wait for their husband’s family to support them, you will be a big winner anytime any day. Gone are the days of illiterate housewife mothers who depended on prayers and tears. Today’s mothers are financially active, but there is a huge need for a father figure.

I encountered a female pilot whose father also died early. As a child, her dream was to be a pilot, but with the early death of her father and a mother who was a housewife mother, that dream seemed like a far cry. One day, her paternal uncle said to her, “a girl cannot be a pilot; the best for you is to be a teacher.”

She got sponsorship under a Federal Government scheme and became a pilot amid challenges. Her father’s family accused the mother of killing her husband. On the burial day, as the casket was been lowered, their uncle threw in a long sharp cutlass into the grave and asked him to go after his killers. Life was rough and tough, but mother’s family was there. On a certain day, as a pilot at the cockpit, she scrolled through the manifest and saw her uncle’s name. As they landed she stepped forward and stood at the entrance to catch a glimpse of the same uncle in her captain’s uniform. The man respected himself and just apologized and congratulated her. ‘Kind apologies to my baby sister for yester-years utterance.’

Today, key members of the well known and successful Ibeto family of Otolo Nnewi in Anambra State were also raised by their maternal uncle, the owner of Izuchukwu Motors, one of the biggest popular luxury bus transport companies from the Southeast. The list is endless. A Divisional Police Officer (DPO) I encountered outside his jurisdiction told his own story: “My father died early. My mother was an illiterate house wife with seven children. I am number four in the family. My father’s family used to say that all of us would not amount to anything in life. My mother cried to her brothers who relocated us from the village to Lagos. They took turns to pay our school fees and house rent. My mother started a small foodstuff business and we ate from there. Her brothers told us that those abuses were deep and strong for us as children. For almost 20 years, my father’s family did not know our whereabouts but as grown sons, we travelled home during the festive period and introduced ourselves, and some cried at God’s mercy on us, some welcomed us. As a DPO, that same uncle that said we would not amount to anything has visited me in my office twice. My mother has not been here.”

At the gatherings of the Smiling Widows Foundation, the women share heartbreaking stories of abandonment by families of their late husbands. One begins to ask why families abandon their late brother’s family. Cases of where the family drives a woman and her children from their home are recorded in several courts. It will be for another day. The question is why all these? The families whose late brothers had no property to fight over to simply ignore the woman and her children. When those children see the light of the day, these same uncles would turn around and say, “they are my brother’s children.” When the girls are set to marry, they want to be recognized as the father’s family for children who did not contribute to their lives.

However, God has been amazing, always coming through for the children and their mothers. Some would say, families abandon or neglect their late brother’s children due to severe financial strain, family conflicts, and broken relationships with the surviving mother. Arguments over money, property and belongings after a death can create deep, bitter resentments that spill over into the children. Agreed, extended family members who were not close to the brother or his children during his lifetime may not feel a strong duty to step in when he passes. Again, relatives may feel unable to afford the extra costs of feeding, housing, and educating another set of children alongside their own families.

Father’s family abandonment is not only in the case of death. Even when the children are showing misdemeanor in character, the mother’s family will always be there to help out. It is simply natural.

This piece is not to condemn all families but so many are in this circle. There might be a strained relationship ab initio between the family and wife. If the extended family does not get along with the late brother’s wife, they may pull away from her and tragically, cut off the children as well.

Absentee families should show concern over the affairs of their brothers’ wards. There are rooms for reconciliation. An adage says, an in-law who is not wealthy, should at least be polite in approach.

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