Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Atiku Abubakar: One Bright Monday Afternoon

I finally found myself in front of Atiku Abubakar, the presidential candidate for ADC in Abuja last week. How I found myself staring into his eyes is a long story that I will tell in my upcoming biography.

Anyway, this was how I found myself staring at the fresh-faced Atiku. He had just finished his lunch and was dressed in a white kaftan and an expensive wristwatch.

“Sir, are you not afraid?” I asked him. “Funny, my youngest wife just asked me the same question a few days ago,” he replied.

Mbok, don’t let me take you guys to where my mind went as per what they had just finished doing just before she asked that question.

Anyway, I removed my mind from dirty thoughts and listened to him. “Edgar, I have been in a lot of trouble in this my long career and have somehow wiggled my way through.”

“Why ‘Bola’?” I asked next. Why call our own President, Bola? I will not reveal his answer. Mbok, anyone who wants to hear the answer should return my transport fare, and I will tell you. I cannot spend my hard-earned money, fly to Atiku and come and tell you people everything when I am not a mumu.

On getting to his residence, I found a different Atiku – very amusing, with clarity as per his mission and role in Nigeria.

I also liked what he said about my generation: we are very corrupt, and it is sad.

He also told me his take on the economy I stood up, shook him, took pictures and walked away with a smile. Great man.

Ademola Adeleke: Boring Dance Steps

Well, this dancing is now becoming clownish and annoying. This, coming from a huge fan like myself, is huge. I watched this baba waltz on stage with the same, now boring dance steps to his nephew’s song at the last APC presidential campaign inauguration.

The dance, the speech didn’t make sense, didn’t hit any note and left me wondering just what the heck this baba is all about these days.

He is of another party; he is part of the campaign council of another party, and he is dancing instead of telling us what policies or ideologies triggered this coalition.

It is no wonder that he is taking a beating on social media, especially with VDM calling him out and accusing him of hoodwinking Nigerians into thinking that the Osun election are inter-party.

VDM said it was an APC primary marked and sold to the public as an APC and Accord party contest.

Mbok, this dance is no longer ‘sweeting’ me as it now looks and feels so ridiculous within the grand scheme of things.

Baba, can you just stop for a while? It no longer makes sense, abeg. Thank you.

E. Agama: A Strict and Jovial Regulator

These are real expansive times for the capital market, and this is exactly why, at my last session with its helmsman, the ever-so-charismatic Dr. Agama, he made proclamations – we are moving from N164 trillion to N400trillion, he boasted. “We have made the processes simpler and more efficient,” and he was very futuristic. “This market will continue to grow at faster rates and afford better opportunities for all of its stakeholders.”

Yes, I cannot deny Dr Agama is my friend, and I like him. It never used to be like this. It all started with a “fight” at first. At the dawn of one of those huge pyramid scheme losses where Nigerians had once again lost a lot of money, in righteous anger, I railed in an essay and abused the hell out of him and asked for his resignation.

Unlike most Nigerian public servants, he did not unleash his own “Lere Olayinka” on me nor send people to wait by the road to my favourite brothel to waylay me; he instead invited me to his office.

I flew into Abuja – at my own cost o – see what we do for Nigeria? I sat down with him and discussed the issue very comprehensively. He talked about investor education and inclusion, surveillance and monitoring, amongst others. “Edgar, if I open one door for you and you keep going to the other one wey I dey beg you make you no enter…”

A friendship evolved after that session, culminating in this raucous, energy-filled interview during the week, where the multitrillion naira Dangote IPO, the T+2 transaction model, cybersecurity, democratising the markets, investor protection, the evolving nature of the registrar business, among others were discussed in such a fun way as part of my new podcast series.

It was such a brilliant session that even the cameramen were wondering what was happening as the SEC Director General shouted at one point, “Edgar, go to school, go to school, how can you call SEC an SRO? We are the apex regulatory body of the capital market.”

I shouted back, “Person no dey make mistake? See as you dey yab me.” Kai.

Godswill Akpabio: A Humorous Take on a Serious Issue

One could not help but laugh with Akpabio on this one. One bulky Senator – I think Ekpeyong, the one that was supposed to be Donald Duke’s son-in-law – was struggling to move a motion on suicide and the people who used to go that way.

Akpabio, in trying to help him, retorted: “If you are trying to kill yourself, better make sure you succeed or else we will jail you.”

The near-empty chamber fell into deep, raucous laughter, and I, in this my Shomolu watching, also nearly choked from laughter – I was about to swallow a huge morsel of pounded yam and afang.

Kai, this Akpabio needs to start doing his own skit. Kai. That was a brilliant one, but seriously, jokes apart, our leaders should be looking at other measures that should seek a more robust approach to the increasing issue of suicide and attempted suicide in this our country.

Today, I hear it is jail you face if you try and fail. This is truly not the best, especially with the way harsh and inclement economic conditions can play games with people’s mental health. Thankfully, the mindset is turning away from being punitive to a much healthier approach to the issue.

We should be more caring and push both preventive measures and a robust care system that would guide and nurse these individuals back to good and strong mental health. But Akpabio, kai, you funny sha. Kai.

Aliko Dangote: A Different Kind of Succession

This Oga has blown a certain myth. He has female successors. Kai! This is myth-shattering. You know how poorer Nigerians will be making mouth: my son will inherit my shop; my son is my heir, and he will take this shoe-cobbling business to the next level.

My son this and my son that, today this Baba has built the kind of phenomenal wealth that only Elon Musk and King Solomon have surpassed, and his heirs are his daughters.

Mbok, I am so happy as I too have three daughters, even though my heir is still my firstborn – you know, for him, he no get son. The story would have been sweeter if he had a son and still went ahead with girl-child succession. Then that would have been explosive.

Anyway, Alhaji has done, or should I say is doing what will change the narrative, burst myths and give the girl-child inspiration to push in this our decidedly conservative society when it comes to this matter.

Others in Alhaji’s shoes will be looking for a son-in-law to work with instead of giving a daughter, and that one will now carry everything and go and give a “side chick.”

This his succession story is truly very inspiring, as I used it as a metaphor when I was sending my last daughter, Zara, away to China to study medicine.

“Shey you know Dangote?” I asked, and she stared at me with her beautiful eyes and said NO. Agh! This Gen Z people, why won’t you know Dangote and she said, is he an actor?

I gave up and said, “Just climb your plane and go abeg before I slap you here. How won’t you know Dangote?”

Anyway, Alhaji has given us girl-daddies a strong example to use for our daughters as we groom them for leadership – you see Dangote daughters, do you see a rapper near them?

Well done, Alhaji, for this. More grease to the girl-child.

Dele Farotimi: A Confusing Separation

When “juju” people are fighting, is it a psychedelic church-attending person like me that will now put my mouth? That is how, during the week, my shaggy-haired brother in the struggle announced that he was severing ties with Afenifere.

A relationship that was birthed the day he was born, when the Ifa priest came at his naming ceremony to throw that thing on the ground and proclaimed: “This boy will look for Afe Babalola problem, go to jail, come out scot-free and will refuse afang from one Calabar boy calling himself Duke of Shomolu.”

Anyway, that was how I called him the moment I heard the news – bro wetin happen, and he answered curtly, “Nothing happen, mind your business.”

You see these people who fight with cow horn; we cannot understand them, so the best thing we do is to stay clear before spit hits your left eye.Spit? You ask, yes, spit. Don’t you see them fighting in Yoruba films? They will both hold cow horns and be talking into the cow horn while prancing up and down and pouring spit onto the thing, shouting “agbero, shubu”, and the other will also be spitting into his own and will also be saying, “iroooooo, emiko, emilokan,” and you, that is just standing there asking yourself what exactly is happening; spit will hit you in the eye. That is straight gonorrhea if you are lucky, I swear.

So, my brother Dele, anything that makes you happy, especially as it concerns your ancient group, do it abeg. You never kuku don buy my book, so nothing really concerns me. I wish you well though.

Amaju Pinnick: Whispers from the South-south

You guys know that I have no shame. That was how I received an invite to come to Warri to meet with the very well-respected Ogiame Atuwatse III, the Olu of Warri, to present my historic book, Maddtimes Power List coffee table book – the great one contributed the foreword essay and his wife was also nominated to the 100 Power List.

So, I quickly rushed to my brother Amaju to beg him to lend me an expensive drink that I will take and present to “Baba”. Anyone who is looking for those classic and exquisite spirits, Amaju is your plug. Just go to him, and he will lend you a N500,000 bottle Glen, I swear. He has done it for me once. So go try your luck.

But wait, it was the Warri-based Barrister Ikomi who also had borrowed money from the village council to buy the N599,000 per copy book that suggested that I begged Amaju to allow you to stay for “him N1million –a-night” apartments and added, “Edgar, that place be like heaven.”

I immediately rushed to Amaju and got a revelation. Amaju is pushing a N3billion worth of developmental projects into his Warri. The apartments in question are just the beginning o. I have heard that there is a massive hotel that has already been adjudged “the best hotel Nigeria will ever see” coming, and then a mall that will have only curated brands. Aghhhhhhh Amaju, you must really love Warri to push these initiatives, which, in the end, would trigger an economic renaissance of that harried city.

Well, guys, let me go and see it and come back. You will all be sure that when I come back, the gist will flow. Let me go and see this Pinnick’s wonderland o. I can’t wait.

Biodun Shobanjo: Reveling in Rich Retirement

Anytime I go near this Baba, I used to be sad. The man retired 20 years ago; his institution is growing stronger – over 22,000 employees, and he is just left with travelling the world, dressing like a Gucci model, and just enjoying his life.

My sadness comes from the fact that at my present age of 57, daddy was preparing for retirement and I am still here hustling like a fake drug hustler inside a molue.

That was how I went to deliver the Maddtimes book to baba in his exquisite mansion nestled inside Ikoyi – he bought four copies. Kai!

When I entered, my head started to swell; goose pimples started to catch me- the class, the calmness, the elegance – make I just keep quiet and then Daddy now came down the stairs in slow motion, in one brilliant blue caftan and expensive half shoes, smiling in mock jest of my struggle.

“Do you want anything?” he asked. No, sir, jealousy is killing me. He smiled, knowing that I was intimidated and Baba likes to yab me too much. He sat down on one of the comfy chairs, crossed his legs, smiled again, obviously enjoying my jealousy.

To make matters worse for me, he started talking about Paris and all of that kind of thing, and when I could not stand it again, I said Baba come and take your book and let me be going. He smiled that smile that was mocking my hustling stage and said, “Duke, oya let’s take a picture.”

Baba is my hero o – forget my bad belle for him, and I really do connect to his trajectory and love his story. For me, he is one of the greatest living Nigerians and certainly one of my most favourites.

** Mo Abudu: Well Packaged Legacy**

Let me quickly say well done and congratulations to this Queen. She just opened her Ebony Place in London and had the Mayor of London attend the opening. Well done, madam, for this; keep shining, and we will be there for you.

Mbok, how much to rent the theatre, as I am bringing my next London play ‘BIANCA’ to that venue? Well done and keep making Nigeria proud.