8 Women Share What It’s Like to Have Male Subordinates

Managing people is hard enough without having to prove that you deserve to be in charge. For most women, having male subordinates means dealing with colleagues who undermine their authority, question their leadership, or make work unnecessarily difficult. Few have found men who respect their positions and make their jobs easier.

In this article, we spoke to eight women about what it’s really like to manage male subordinates.

1. “I Got the Promotion, and the Misogyny Became Obvious” — Azeezat*, 34

Before I was promoted to an executive position at work, I remember having a cordial relationship with my male colleagues. There were flashes of misogyny, yes, but it was not really obvious, so I barely paid attention. However, when I got promoted, the misogyny became really, really obvious. I think it was because most of them thought they were going to get the promotion, so when I got it instead, it unleashed something nasty in them. All of our camaraderie fell to dust, and suddenly they became really passive-aggressive. It was obvious they had a group meeting to decide how to sabotage me at work because the attack seemed coordinated.

Whenever I assign them to a task, they would employ weaponised incompetence, and the blame would fall on me instead of them. During meetings, they would ask me questions that completely derailed me from the main objective, and there have been times when they’ve deliberately given me incorrect meeting times so I would be late. They’ve also gone around telling interns and new associates that I’m bossy and no one should associate with me. I think they are mostly expecting me to have a mental breakdown and quit my job, but I’m not giving them that satisfaction. I refuse to.

2. “He Recognised Me as His Boss and Treated Me as Such” — Jumoke*, 40

When my apparel business got too busy for me to manage alone, I hired a male sales assistant, even though everyone and their mothers kept telling me it was the worst mistake I would ever make. Surprisingly, though, I never regretted it because he was actually an amazing subordinate.

He never went against my orders; he did what was expected of him; he never stole from me; and he even made suggestions that improved my business’s sales. I never received any disrespect from him, and he recognised me as his boss and treated me as such. I know my friends who have once had male sales assistants and regretted their decisions, but I was extremely lucky with mine. It was so sad when he left after a year because he was that good at his job.

3. “A Colleague Accused Me of Bullying” — Lola*, 28

As an executive in my workplace, if your subordinates have a problem with you or your leadership skills, they’re allowed to send an anonymous letter of complaint to HR, and you’ll be queried. I pride myself on being a good boss. I don’t treat anyone any differently because they’re my subordinates, and I ensure tasks are assigned accordingly rather than putting pressure on one person.

So, imagine my surprise when HR called me to say that a colleague accused me of bullying him. The colleague was this guy who had entered the company at the same time as me, and unless I needed to assign him a task, he and I barely interacted. So, I didn’t even know where that accusation came from, and the most insane part of all this was that he completely stood by that lie.

I was this close to losing my job; they had called a panel on my head, and if not because another colleague had a recording of my accuser saying really awful things about me in a public space, no one would have believed me. It turned out that he was angry that I got promoted first, even though we came in at the same time, and he got even angrier when he realised that he was almost a decade older than I am. Anyway, he got fired, and honestly, good riddance.

4. “Apparently, Being Nice to Male Subordinates Means You Want to Fuck” — Charity*, 31

I am the kind of leader that her subordinates would call “mean” and “bossy”, and they would be valid for saying that because I’m actually those things, but there was a time when I was a nice boss, and men took full advantage of that. Apparently, being nice to your male subordinates means that you’re giving them a signal that you’re interested in fucking them. Yes, that happened to me.

I didn’t realise that men interpreted niceness as a sexual come-on, and so it was quite jarring when my male subordinate started moving to me, and when I called him out on it, he asked why I was acting like I didn’t start moving to him first. Immediately after that rubbish, I quit that job and decided to be stricter with subordinates, especially the men. I wish it were not like that, but I cannot allow myself to get disrespected again.

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5. “The New Guy Started Expressing Disrespect Towards Me” — Joke*, 29

My dynamic with my male subordinates is surprisingly chill. I was scared that it would not be like that because of the horror stories I’ve heard about women and their male subordinates, but I guess you could say that I’m lucky. All everyone is interested in is getting the work done, so there is no room for misogyny. Everyone respects one another because we believe all humans deserve it, and if an argument ever becomes serious, we sit down and communicate, which is something our company advocates.

One time, a new guy got hired and started showing signs of disrespect toward me because I’m a woman younger than him. The other guys called him aside and told him to behave because that kind of disrespect can’t fly in our company. He immediately fixed up, and I haven’t had any problems with him since then.

6. “It Feels Like I Can’t Win Because Everyone is Set on My Downfall” — Abike*, 45

As a woman who’s a leader in a male-dominated field, I’ve been having certain issues because I can’t be too strict or else I would be called bossy, and I can’t be too kind because people would take advantage of that, and that is a bone of contention. I remember when I called out a male subordinate for a mistake he made on an important task, and he reported me to our overall boss for bullying.

I also remember when I tried to be too kind to my subordinates, and one of them took it as a cue to interrupt me during meetings and suggest ideas that were not in line with my vision. It feels like I can’t win because everyone is set on witnessing my downfall. These days, I’ve been talking to other women executives in male-dominated spaces, and what I’ve gotten from them is to keep doing my work regardless and not constantly worry about finding a balance between strictness and kindness. I should just do whatever works for me, and I’m making an effort to do that.

7. “He Made My Life Hellish” — Sarah*, 39

When I got a male executive assistant to make my work easier, I began to understand why my friends were very wary about male assistants. He only worked for me for six months, but it felt like an eternity because of how hellish he made my life. I should have known from our interview, when he kept looking at me like I was dirt under his shoe. I believe that, because of my surname, he got the impression he would be working for a man, so imagine his surprise when he got a woman. I was desperate for an assistant, and he was qualified, so I ignored that red flag. I really shouldn’t have.

He put me through hell. He messed up my schedule on purpose and acted oblivious when I called him out on it. I remember when I told him to inform my driver that I was going to another firm for a really important meeting, and he gave him a different location that was an hour away from the firm. He didn’t have qualms about making digs at me in front of my guests, and he was comfortable with going practically against all my orders. I don’t even know why it took me so long to fire him, but I am genuinely so glad that I did.

8. “He Told People I Slept Around to Get My Position” — Amara*, 45

I have responsible male subordinates right now, but no one likes to remember that my one subordinate from hell. The one who harassed me through various unknown contact numbers because I promoted someone over him, and pretended to be concerned on my behalf when I talked about how I was being harassed by someone I didn’t know. The unfortunate thing about him was the fact that he was kind to me, but I didn’t know he was doing heinous things like going behind my back to text me death threats and telling people that I slept around to get my position. It wasn’t until a concerned colleague came to tell me what she was hearing about me before I found out that I was basically smiling with someone who genuinely detested me. It was quite funny, honestly.

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