Author and lawyer Dolly Ohanyere recently launched The Becoming Collection – a six-book series on Identity, Purpose, and Relationship aimed at building healthy homes and a healthy nation. In this
Author and lawyer Dolly Ohanyere recently launched The Becoming Collection – a six-book series on Identity, Purpose, and Relationship aimed at building healthy homes and a healthy nation. In this interview with MARY NNAH, she reflects on the emotional moments of the July 26 launch, the personal healing that shaped the books, and her vision to spark a generational shift – starting with who we are, so we can love and lead better at home.
The launch is done. Looking back at 26 July 2026, what was the moment in the room that undid you the most?
I did not go to that room planning to cry. I went as an author, prepared, ready to present. I had done the work; the books were written; the speech was ready; the room was set. I thought I was in control of myself, and then the room filled up. Not just filled; it was full of engaged, curious, hungry people. People asking questions, leaning in, wanting more. I had hoped for that. I had not let myself fully believe it would happen, and seeing it, actually seeing it, was the first thing that cracked me open. But what completely undid me was my husband.
When he stood up to speak, I was not prepared for what came out of him. He spoke about who I am to him. What this work has meant in his life. What he believes these books will do for people. He validated me, not as a professional, not as a public figure, but as a woman – his woman, and I could not hold it together. I was not expecting that level of being seen by the person who sees me most.
And then, as if God wanted to make sure I had nothing left, my children sang the Boyz II Men ” Mama ” song beautifully for me.
I have written six books about identity, purpose, and relationships. About being seen from the start. About what it means to be known and chosen and loved. And in that moment, in that room, everything I had written became completely personal. I did not plan to cry, but some moments do not ask for your permission.
What did you personally have to heal to write about thriving marriages with authority?
I want to answer this question honestly because it deserves honesty. You cannot write about thriving marriages from a library. You cannot write about healing from a place of comfort. You cannot write about what it means to survive a storm by reading about storms. The authority to speak into someone else’s pain only comes from having actually been in the water yourself, and I have been in the water.
In Wells and Encounters, I write about what I call the purposeful storm. I take it from Acts 27 – Paul on his way to Rome, obeying God, going exactly where God sent him, and the ship was still wrecked. The storm was still violent. The cargo still went overboard. For days, they saw neither sun nor stars, and all hope that they would be saved was gradually abandoned.
That was my marriage season.
I did not name it the purposeful storm at the time. When you are in it – when the cargo is going overboard, and the sun has disappeared for days, and every human calculation is pointing toward the worst outcome, you do not have the luxury of theological categories. You just hold on. You pray with whatever you have left. You get up in the morning and do the next thing and try not to let the children see how afraid you are.
What I had to heal to write about thriving marriages with authority was the wound of a marriage that almost broke. The trauma of building something that came apart. The identity crisis that follows when the life you constructed around a particular version of your story suddenly has to be dismantled and rebuilt from the ground up.
I had to heal the places in me that had never been honestly examined – the insecurities I had dressed up as strength, the self-awareness I thought I had but did not, the things I brought into the marriage that I had never named or owned. This is because you cannot write The Mirror without having looked in one yourself. You cannot write Meaningful Choosing without having made choices that cost you something and then had to sit honestly with what those choices revealed about where you were choosing from. But here is what I know now, from the other side.
The storm was purposeful. It was not about the marriage that almost broke. It was not even about me. It was about the 276 people on the boat – the women who would read these words in the middle of their own storm and need to know that someone else had been here and come through. It was about the book I could not have written from a place of comfort. It was about the credibility that only comes from having actually been in the water, not just having read about it.
I made one decision in the middle of that storm that I did not fully understand until I was on the other side of it. I decided that whatever God was doing or allowing or building, I was going to name it something other than punishment. I was not going to call it abandonment. I was not going to call it the end of my story. I did not always feel the truth of what I was naming, but I named it anyway, and the naming held me when the feeling could not.
The ship was lost. Everything I thought my life was built on had to go overboard for God to get me to the island He had already prepared, and on that island – in the rebuilding, in the encounter, in the slow and sometimes painful work of becoming the woman God designed- I found what Paul found on Malta. Not what I expected, something better. Something that could only have been reached by shipwreck.
That is what I had to heal, and that healing is the authority behind every word in this collection.
Where did you feel God the most during the launch?
I have said it before, and I will keep saying it: God gave the vision, He sustained the process, He brought it to completion, but saying it and then standing in the middle of the completion are two completely different things.
The moment the books were unveiled – when they appeared on that screen in front of everyone- I found myself praising God before I had even made a conscious decision to. It just came out of me because in that moment, I understood something at a depth I had not understood before. He did not just help me write these books. He wrote them for me. Before I wrote a single word for anyone else, He was writing something into me, and the books were the evidence.
I thought about something I had written in 2012. I wrote that I was going to be a columnist in a national newspaper. I wrote it as a declaration, a prayer, a hope – I am not even sure which one it was at the time and on the screen that day, at my book launch, there it was. The Guardian column, displayed for the room to see, and I stood there thinking – He remembered. He kept it. He made it happen, and then He made sure I saw it happen. That is not a coincidence; that is a God who is personal.
But the moment I felt His presence most tangibly, most physically, was when Apostle Isi Igenegba prayed over my husband and me and then asked everyone in the room to stretch their hands toward us. I felt God in that room, not metaphorically, not as a feeling I am trying to describe politely. I felt Him there. In the hands stretched toward us. In the prayer being spoken over our lives and our work. In the weight of that moment.
He showed me this day before it happened, and then He made sure I was present enough to feel every single part of it.
What’s the biggest lie you’ve seen people believe about love that you’re now committed to correcting?
The biggest lie I have seen people believe about love, and I have seen it destroy marriages, justify abuse, and keep people in situations that were slowly killing them, is this: Love is all that matters.
It sounds beautiful. It has been sung, written, filmed, and preached for decades, and it is one of the most dangerous things a person can believe when they are deciding who to spend their life with. Not because love does not matter; it does, but the question I always ask – the question that Meaningful Choosing is built around – is this: what kind of love are we talking about? Because love is not one thing.
The Greeks understood this better than we do. There is filial love – the love between family members. There is eros – romantic and passionate love. There is philia – the love between deep friends and then, there is agape – the love that is not a feeling but a decision, the love that honours a covenant even when the feeling has quieted, the love that 1 Corinthians 13 describes – patient, kind, not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeping no record of wrongs, enduring all things, believing all things, hoping all things.
That is the kind of love that can hold a marriage. But that is not the love that has been sold to us. The love that has been sold to us is the eros version – the feeling, the passion, the butterflies, the electricity and when people make the most consequential decision of their lives based on that kind of love alone, they discover, sometimes very quickly, sometimes after years, that feelings fluctuate. Passion quiets. Electricity becomes ordinary, and if the only thing holding the marriage together is the feeling, the marriage is suddenly in trouble.
I see this play out in specific ways in my coaching room. A man is unfaithful to his wife and says – But it does not mean I do not love you. The wife, because she has been taught that love is all that matters, tries to make that sentence mean something. She stays and suffers because she believes that love – even this broken, self-serving version of it- is sufficient reason to remain.
Or a woman is emotionally absent, controlling, or unkind, and justifies it by saying – But you know I love you. As if the declaration of love cancels the evidence of its absence.
This is what happens when we accept love without definition. When we never ask – what kind of love? What does this love actually require of you? What does it produce in your life? Does it make you more of who God designed you to be or less?
Agape love – the 1 Corinthians kind. Is not a feeling you fall into; it is a character you grow into. It is not something that happens to you; it is something you choose, consistently, daily, especially on the days when choosing it costs you something.
That is the love that can hold a covenant. That is the love worth choosing. And that is the love that Meaningful Choosing is trying to point people toward, not just choosing the right person, but choosing to become the kind of person who can love the way God designed love to be expressed. Love is not all that matters; the right kind of love is everything.
You said identity, purpose, and relationships are “one conversation, not three.” Which story or message after the launch showed you that again?
I have always believed that identity, purpose, and relationships are not three separate conversations. They are one conversation happening at different depths. You cannot know what you are for until you know who you are. You cannot build anything lasting with another person until both of those questions have been honestly engaged.
The launch proved that again, but it was what happened after the launch that confirmed it most deeply. The very next day, less than twenty-four hours after the books were in people’s hands, the messages began coming in.
One woman said to me: Dolly, I am so happy I came to your launch. I have been struggling with purpose and identity for a long time. I have been in and out – confused, uncertain, going in circles but as I read your books, something is becoming clear to me. Who I am has everything to do with how I do everything. I think God has been calling me to a particular thing, and I have been running away from it, but now, just from reading your book, I am almost one hundred percent sure this is where He wants me to be. She had not even finished the book.
That is when I knew again, with complete certainty, that identity, purpose, and relationships are not three topics I happened to write about. They are one conversation, and when a person begins to find themselves, they find their purpose, and when they find their purpose, everything about how they love and lead and build begins to shift. God knew what He was doing when He put these six books together. I just had to be willing to write them.
The Mirror calls for honest self-examination. What’s one truth about yourself this whole process forced you to face?
The Mirror is the book I was most nervous about writing. Not because the content was difficult to research, but because you cannot write honestly about self-examination without submitting yourself to the same process you are asking your reader to go through. And the mirror shows you everything. The good, the bad, and the ugly, all of it.
The truth is, most of us rarely look at ourselves. It is so much easier to point fingers outward than to turn the gaze inward. It is always about what the other person did, what the other person said, what the other person needs to change. Self-reflection is uncomfortable in a way that blame never is because blame requires nothing of you. The mirror requires everything.
What I saw when I looked honestly was things I did not know I had brought into my marriage. Trauma I had not fully named. Insecurities I had learned to dress up so well that I had almost convinced myself they were not there. A lack of self-awareness that was costing me – in my relationships, in my responses, in the patterns I kept repeating without understanding why.
That honest self-examination was painful, but it was also the beginning of the most important work of my life because when you finally see yourself – your genuine strengths, your real weaknesses, your actual values, what you can carry and what you cannot, what you will accept and what you will not- you stop being a mystery to yourself. A person who is no longer a mystery to themselves makes fundamentally different choices.
The same way we stand in front of a physical mirror and see what needs attention – the things we want to change, the things we want to celebrate, the things we had not noticed before- is exactly what the internal mirror does. It shows you what you look like on the inside, and if you are honest enough to keep looking, it requires you to begin making changes.
It was out of my own self-examination work that I developed two assessment tools that I now use with individuals and couples in my coaching practice – the Key Relationship Indicators (KRIs) and the Key Marriage Indicators (KMIs). These are diagnostic tools that help people understand exactly where they are right now in their relationship health and their marriage- not where they think they are, not where they wish they were, but where they actually are. And from that honest starting point, we build a practical, intentional plan toward the life and the marriage they genuinely want to live.
They came directly out of my own journey. I have come to the realization that the best tools are always the ones built from lived experience, not just from theory.
When did you first recognise what God placed in you, and how has that carried you through writing these 6 books?
It Was Always There is perhaps the most personal title in the collection because it is the book I needed someone to give me years before I wrote it.
It was 2019. I was listening to a sermon by Pastor Paul Adefarasin about gifts – about the things God places in us that feel so natural we dismiss them as ordinary and something hit me that day with a clarity I had not experienced before.
Writing is a gift. My gift. I have always loved writing, but I had never assigned any significance to it. It was just something I did – something that came easily, something that felt natural, and we have a habit of dismissing the things that come naturally to us precisely because they come naturally. We think gifts are supposed to be hard. We think purpose is supposed to be obvious to everyone around us before it becomes obvious to us. We undervalue what flows.
That same day I picked up my laptop and began writing a book. Love and Conflict in Marriage. I finished it. It went to a publisher. The publisher disappointed me, and I asked for my money back, and then the voices came. Who do you think you are to write a book on relationships? Is your own marriage perfect? What makes you an authority in this area? And I listened to those voices. I put the manuscript down. It is still there – unpublished, waiting but that season taught me something important about how the enemy works: he does not always come with obvious opposition. Sometimes, he comes with reasonable-sounding questions designed to make you disqualify yourself.
The sermon also did something else for me. It made my calling clear in a way it had never been before. I have always been an encourager – that person who gives people hope when hope feels unreasonable, and I began to see that this gift had always been expressing itself in one specific area – relationships and marriage. Everyone came to me – for advice, for perspective, for a conversation when their relationship was in crisis. I had been doing it for years without understanding that it was a purpose thing. It just felt like being me.
That is exactly what It Was Always There is about. Purpose is not always dramatic. It is not always announced. Sometimes it is simply the pattern that has been showing up since before you had language for it. The thing people keep coming to you for. The thing you cannot stop doing even when it is inconvenient, even when nobody is paying you, even when the voices are telling you to sit down.
God said, before you were conceived, I knew you and I named you. The things that come naturally to you, what people seek you out for, what you cannot stop doing even without reward- those are not accidents; they are evidence. They are proof that something was placed in you before you arrived.
Writing these six books was the act of finally saying yes to what had always been there. And the manuscript that is still waiting? Its time is coming. Everything God places in you has a season. And He does not waste anything.
What does that thriving look like to you in real homes?
I want to be careful with this question because thriving has been so badly misrepresented.
When most people hear the word thriving, they think of a marriage that looks impressive. The matching outfits. The anniversary posts. The couple that always seems happy in public, and I want to say clearly that is not what I mean. That is not what I am believing God for.
What I am believing God for is something quieter, more ordinary, and something far more powerful.
A thriving marriage for me is one that is deeply rooted in a shared identity in Christ. – where both people know who they are individually before God, and that knowing is the foundation of everything they build together. Where their purpose is aligned, not identical, but moving in the same direction. Where their values are not just compatible on paper, but genuinely lived out in the daily decisions they make together.
But here is what it looks like on an ordinary day in the week, not a Sunday, not a special occasion, just a Tuesday.
It looks like two people who choose to connect before the day takes over. A conversation. A prayer. A moment of checking in that says – I see you, I am with you, we are doing this together.
It looks like shared responsibility, not one person carrying everything while the other observes. Both people are present. Both people are accountable. Both people are willing to say I was wrong, and I will do better.
It looks like open communication, not the performance of communication, but the real kind. Where both people feel safe enough to say what is actually true without fear of judgment, withdrawal, or retaliation.
It looks like an atmosphere – Warmth, Laughter, Respect, Forgiveness that is not withheld as a weapon but given as a gift. Kindness in the small moments, not just the grand gestures. Safety – the kind of safety where every person in that home – husband, wife, and every child watching- knows that this is a place where they are loved without condition and accepted without performance.
And then there are the children…
A thriving marriage is perhaps most visible in what it produces in the next generation. Children who grow up in a genuinely thriving marriage do not just learn about love; they absorb it. They see what it looks like for a man to honour a woman. For a woman to respect a man. For two people to disagree and still choose each other. For conflict to be navigated without cruelty. For forgiveness to be real. For God to be genuinely present in a home, not just referenced on Sundays but lived on a regular day of the week.
Those children carry something into their own relationships that cannot be taught in a classroom or a church session. It was modelled. It was breathed in. It became the air they grew up in.
That is what I am believing in God for: not perfect marriages, but thriving ones. Marriages where the small, consistent, daily acts of love, support, prayer, and accountability are building something that will outlast both people and shape the generations that come after them.
That is what the Becoming Collection is for. Not to make marriages look better, but to make them actually be better from the inside out. Starting with who each person is, and flowing into everything they build together.
Wells and Encounters speaks to women in the fire. Which story or message from a reader after launch told you, “He was already at the well before you arrived”?
There is a review that was written about Wells and Encounters that I have read more than once, and every time I read it, I have to stop and just thank God.
It was written by ID Ogufere. She opened it by saying something that immediately told me she understood the book at the level I wrote it. She said that renowned writers advise you to be brief, spoiler-free, and critically evaluative, and then she said, but those renowned writers discounted the emotions of people who have been broken by life’s most sacred institution when they pick this book up to read.
She was right, and she said it better than I could have said it myself.
She wrote that from the moment she picked the book up to the moment she put it down, she became the woman at the well. Hiding but yearning to be seen, to be valued, to be heard, and once more, to be loved.
That sentence broke me open – because that is exactly who Wells and Encounters was written for. Not for the woman who has it all together, not for the woman who needs a theological framework, but for the woman who is hiding – who has buried her need to be loved because the bravest thing broken people do is deny the hurt and who is living a lie because the truth is too painful to carry in public. She said the book unclothes that lie. It buries it and helps us find proper garments – ones filled with hope.
She highlighted Chapter Five – the walls that keep people stuck – specifically, the wall of financial dependence. She echoed something I wrote with everything in me – that women must work, must build, must develop a skill and generate an income not because their marriage will fail, but because their dignity, their agency, and their freedom should never be entirely in another person’s hands.
She said – read that over and over again. For me, it was not even how she started; it was how she ended the review that completely undid me.
She quoted the final word of the book. Leave your waterpot. And then she said, God is still writing your story. It is not over. You are not over.
That is not a book review; that is a woman who went to the well broken and came back knowing she had been seen.
He was already at the well before she arrived, before she picked up the book, before the launch, before I wrote the first word. God had already prepared that encounter. I was just the vessel He used to set it up.
There was something she said at the very end that has stayed with me since I read it. She said: write one for the men as well. They do not speak up, but many are also in abusive marriages.
That request alone tells you everything about the kind of conversation this book is opening. The conversations the church has been too uncomfortable to have. The pain that has been hushed for too long on both sides.
Wells and Encounters was written from my own fire, but it is finding people in theirs, and that is the only evidence of God’s hand that I need.
