Sunken Ships: My Bestie’s Family Blamed Me for Her Mental Health Crisis

Sunken Ships*** is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.***

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Chikamso* (23) had known Adaeze* since secondary school, but they only became best friends at university. When Adaeze experienced a mental health crisis, her family blamed Chikamso and shut her out before she could understand what had happened.

For Sunken Ships, Chikamso talks about losing her best friend without understanding why and how the experience changed the way she approaches new friendships.

How did you and Adaeze* meet?

We attended the same secondary school and were seatmates, but we weren’t particularly close then. Then, after we graduated, we ended up at the same university. That was when we really grew a bond and became as close.

At one point, she got into a toxic relationship that my family knew about. My mum was always concerned because she treated Adaeze like her own daughter. She eventually talked Adaeze out of that relationship. That was how much of a place she had in my life.

And how would you describe the friendship itself?

It was beautiful. In fact, we were more like sisters. We had each other’s backs. Naturally, we disagreed from time to time, but nothing that threatened our friendship. Adaeze was my favourite person, and she could be incredibly thoughtful. In 2023, I applied for a UK visa to visit my sister, but it was denied the day before my birthday. My family had spent a lot of money on the application, so I cried all morning on my birthday.

Meanwhile, Adaeze had secretly contacted my siblings, parents and friends to make videos for me. She compiled them, sent me a gift and made the day special for me.

I also showed up for her. When she couldn’t secure accommodation, I let her stay in my hostel space for a semester because I genuinely saw her as family.

So at what point did you start noticing cracks in the friendship?

A few days after my birthday, Adaeze suddenly left the group chat we shared. We hadn’t quarrelled, so I called repeatedly, but she didn’t answer. I asked one of our mutual friends if she knew what had happened, but she didn’t.

Then, one of our classmates contacted me. He said Adaeze had sent him a voice note about me and asked him to rebroadcast it, but she deleted it before he could listen to the whole thing. From what he heard, she called my family and I evil and warned people to stay away from us.

I was confused and somewhat angry. Shortly after, Adaeze’s brother called and told me she was experiencing a mental health crisis and had been taken to a psychiatric hospital.

My anger immediately turned to worry. I couldn’t sleep all night because I kept thinking about her. So, I decided to visit her the next day.

And how did that visit go?

It never happened. Her brother refused to share the hospital details because the family believed I had a hand in Adaeze’s condition.

My aunt is a pastor, and whenever Adaeze visited my family, we sometimes attended her church. She had received prophecies there, and her brother was convinced those messages had affected her.

I tried to explain that I had no idea what was going on, but there was no real opportunity to have that conversation. He blocked me. Her mum blocked me, too, and eventually Adaeze blocked me.

I also couldn’t reach her sister, so after a while, I stepped back.

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Hmm.

It was one of the worst periods of my life. My UK visa had been rejected, my boyfriend broke up with me that same month, and my best friend’s family believed I had harmed her.

I had so many things I wanted to say, but I couldn’t reach Adaeze. She wasn’t speaking to me, and I couldn’t convince her family that I hadn’t done anything.

So I bottled everything up and tried to carry on with school.

I’m sorry. What happened when she returned to school?

She saw me and walked straight past me as though she didn’t know me. It hurt so much.

This was someone I considered a sister, yet she cut me off for reasons I didn’t understand. Whatever she believed had happened, she clearly didn’t want anything to do with me. So I took it as a sign that I needed to leave her alone.

After that, we didn’t really interact in school anymore.

Sounds cold. Did she ever apologise?

We eventually spoke in 2024 at a mutual friend’s traditional marriage.

She apologised, and I told her what had happened from my side. I explained that I had tried to reach her, but her family had blocked me from contacting her.

She told me she didn’t know that. From her perspective, she had simply stopped speaking to me. Once we finally talked, we were able to put the issue behind us.

We’re cordial now, but the friendship isn’t what it used to be.

Do you think you could ever become close again?

No. It’s been almost three years, and I’ve healed from what happened. I’m not sitting around waiting for her to explain herself anymore.

If she had spoken to me when everything happened, maybe things would have been different. I would have preferred to have a difficult conversation than wake up one day and realise that my best friend had disappeared from my life.

I don’t think I can put myself through that again.

How has the experience affected the way you approach friendships now?

It has made me scared of friendships. I’ve met amazing people since then, but I still find it hard to completely trust anyone. I’m afraid the same pattern will repeat itself.

Friendship breakups can hurt just as much as romantic ones, and this was one of the hardest experiences I’ve had.

I’m still learning that just because one person disappeared from my life without an explanation doesn’t mean everyone else will do the same.

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